2022 Holiday Gift Guide for Christian Wives

Probably the hardest thing for a Christian wife to do is to pick out Christmas presents for her husband. This is because men enjoy fewer things, I guess because we are holier. But don’t take my word for it, go to the Greek, which is in the Bible: somewhere in there, it says that Eve sinned first, which means that men are holier, but then Adam ate the forbidden fruit and also immediately blamed his wife, which was a double sin, because men are better at sinning than women. This is called complimentarianism, which is a theology where men and women give each other lots of compliments. The other theology is egalitarianism, which is where you believe that men and women are eagles.

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Some women give their husbands coupons for Christmas. I can’t say what the coupons are for, since this is a family think piece, but it is for a thing that my youth pastor said definitely counts as sex and is not a loophole, no matter what Bill Clinton said. However, the danger with coupons is that sometimes you get them mixed up with the other cards and envelopes and you accidentally give your husband seven Starbucks gift cards in his stocking and then you get a bunch of all caps texts from people at church because everyone on the praise team got a coupon from you to have their boy privates greeted with a holy kiss, and the ladies on the praise team don’t even have boy privates, so how could they even redeem that.

Anyway, here are some gift ideas for your husband:

A fighter jet

Men love to fly fighter jets with their friends, zooming around the sky at one hundred miles per hour. Buy your husband a jet and let him fly with the boys.

Pirate treasure

Ladies, our churches are full of well-meaning Christian wives who fail to meet their husband’s needs by never giving them pirate treasure. Your husband may have never asked you for treasure, but this is because he doesn’t know how to ask you for treasure.

One Month of Nudity

If you simply must give your husband a spicy coupon, why not go the extra mile? Many women will settle upon “an evening without clothes” or something of that nature. Put forth a little extra effort, and give him an entire month of you being naked. The best part is when people stop you at Walmart and ask why you don’t have any clothes on, you can just say “this is what a Proverbs 31 wife looks like” and that way, it’s kind of like evangelism, too.

Get in touch with all his old girlfriends

A fun, silly way to edify your husband is to log into his Facebook and track down all of the girls he used to date, or the girls who turned him down, or the girls he used to be friends with. When you show up at their workplace, you can let them know how they don’t understand him the way you do, and could never love him the way you do. Later on, when you show your husband the video you took of these encounters, he will see that you love him more than Kylie did.

Be with him at all times

How can you love someone if you are apart? This is why you must go to work with your husband now. If you are not allowed to be at his workplace, simply wait in the parking lot for his 15 minute check-in texts. Sure, he may get annoyed, but remember: being annoyed is just the heart’s way of saying “I love you.”

Monitor all his communications

Now that you are protecting your husband at all times, Kylie may try to slide into his DMs. This is why you must continually check his phone and all his apps. And Kylie knows better than to use her real name. She could be attempting to catfist your husband by posing as a coworker or one of his family members. It doesn’t hurt to reply to his texts and say things like KYLIE, YOU TRAMP, I KNOW THIS IS YOU

Watch him sleep

If you fall asleep, Kylie could come to him in his dreams. This is why you must sit in the bed and watch your husband carefully. If it seems like he might be dreaming about Kylie, shake him violently and ask him if the marriage is in trouble. I do this all the time with my wife; it works both ways, because we are eagles.

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