5 Jobs that Faithful Christians Cannot Do

Recently, a reader sent me a picture of a group text, in which his friends were asking me to write a think piece about jobs that Christians shouldn’t do. I assume that most of the men in the group text are deeply repressed Baptist pastors, so I won’t reveal their names, which are Tim, Benji, Shawn, and Taylor.

But let’s get down to brass fax: some Christians do, in fact, work jobs. When your brand is weak, sometimes God tests you by forcing you to temporarily work in the real world. How, then, are you supposed to know which jobs are acceptable for a believer? Perhaps my Baptist pastor friends were correct: we might need a thought leader to weigh in on this.

These are the jobs that a Christian cannot do:

1) Assassin

An assassin is someone who is hired to track down and murder someone. Of course, this is not compatible with the Christian faith: as a believer, I must be willing to track down and murder people for free, as a service. I believe this is what Jesus would have done. As soon as you start taking money for murder, it stops being a ministry and starts becoming a business.

2) Public School Teacher

My friends, the public school system is in crisis: there are too many Christian kids in there, because their insufferable parents read the last round of think pieces and decided it was a sin to homeschool or do private school.

If you want to minister to pagans, you must teach at a Christian school. Christian schools are run by insane short men who pace around at night thinking about how to convince athletic 14-year-olds to transfer. As such, each Christian school is made up of athletes recruited from all the neighboring counties, plus a sprinkling of ultra rich families mildly pretending to be believers, who pay for everything. This is the new mission field.

3) Montreal Screwjobs

As a Christian, when you need to get the title off the Hitman, you have to do it the right way. You can take it off him at the Royal Rumble. You can have him drop it before Montreal. You can let him drop it in Montreal with a DQ. You know his issues with HBK; why are you trying to ruin both men by forcing a pin? At its core, a Montreal Screwjob is a lie, and Christians should not lie, especially when it comes to wrestling, which is based on Truth.

4) Pastor

Probably the worst part of a church scandal is that it makes all the regular Christians in the church look bad. The pastor will get in trouble for doing a bad sex, and all the people in the pews are like “we were just sitting here, we didn’t do any bad sexes” but it is too late: grift by association.

Try this simple hack: why not go to a church where the pastor isn’t a Christian? Many denominations are now going this route, and if you are curious which ones, I’m sure someone in the comments will be happy to tell you. Anyway, this protects you from scandal, because whenever someone says “your pastor just got caught in a massage parlor buying drugs with church funds,” you can say “joke’s on you, he was going to hell anyway,” and you are in the clear.

5) Hand Jobs

Christian women, we are talking to you! Because the gender roles have become Toxic, women think they can do all the careers that men can do. This is not true! Ladies, why do you want to be one of those guys who stirs lava with a big pole? Or the person at the zoo who has to go into the enclosures and punch the animals when they use bad language? Or the drummer in the worship band? You cannot; these are boy jobs. God made boys with big strong hands to do work like this¹. This is why, whenever I go into a new church, I am always asking the women if they do hand jobs. Sometimes people get mad at me when I ask this, but then I ask them if their pastor is saved, and they get even madder.

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1. God made women with tiny girl hands to play harps and hold little teacups.