All Christians Should Bet on Sports

Probably the most important issue in the Church right now, that doesn’t involve what women are wearing, is sports betting.

It seems that many people think that gambling is dangerous for Christians. But when you think about it, isn’t, like, being a Christian one big gamble? Or maybe there is another thing that is like gambling, which is kind of like being a Christian. Or maybe they are nothing alike, who knows, that’s why gambling is so exciting.

Let’s go to the Greek: in the Old Testament, the epistles got together and had to choose a replacement disciple for Judas, who had deconstructed. To do this, they took turns throwing Lot, and every time they picked Lot up, he was like “here, take my daughters, throw them instead” but the daughters were pregnant, and everyone was like “it’s weird that they are pregnant, because there aren’t any men around here” and then Lot was like “don’t worry about it, just throw me” and Matthias threw Lot a long way. But when Joseph picked up Lot, one of the daughters said “there aren’t any other men, it’s just us” and Joseph threw up in his mouth and dropped Lot, and he lost his chance to become a disciple. And from that point on, he was called Joseph Justus.

Anyway, this is why sports betting is biblical.

It is a good way to fund missions

It’s like I’m always telling the restoration committee: it’s not stealing the tithe money if you are investing it. And that is what gambling is: an investment. The good thing about gambling is that when you win, they give you more money. Not many people know this. This is why I am always taking my ministry’s money and investing it through sportsbooks and daily fantasy. This way, when I win, I will have extra money to spend on missions or NDA settlements or whatever.

Christians can control who wins

Whenever a non-Christian watches a sports game, they have no way to influence the outcome. How sad! However, as a believer, you have multiple tools at your disposal. First, you can fire off general prayers to help your team. This may not work, depending on how many Christians are on the other side, praying for that team. This is when you progress to repentance, asking God to forgive all the horrible things you have said and done recently. Finally, in extreme cases, you can offer bargains to God, which is how I got Alabama to come back against Georgia yesterday: I told God I would stop slandering all my dear brothers and sisters in Christ who are jackasses and whores.

We should have our own books

If you will allow me to take a detour, I have a radical idea: Christians can use gambling to fight church scandals. Let me explain.

Let’s say you are a megachurch pastor in Texas. You are extremely rich and popular, and you don’t ever have to deal with the common people in your congregation. You are probably thinking “well, I no longer feel anything; guess I will look for a vulnerable twentysomething to put my peen into.” But then you remember that you are on the board at Dovelines (+250) and Gracebets (+150) as the next Texas megachurch pastor to have a sex scandal. Furthermore, you know that your fellow Texas megachurch pastors have bet heavily on you, just as you have bet on them. Now, all you can think about is losing money, while Robert and Joel make a fortune at your expense. And then your peen is like “boss, we’ve got too much action on this one, forget about the 25 year olds.” And then you are like “ha ha, I wasn’t ever actually going to have an affair,” because now you’re thinking about the numbers. And then you pull up the Gracebets app on your phone, and you feel a little thrill, because you’re still in this thing, dang it. Anyway, that’s how you end church scandals with betting.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of Lot’s family, because…uh, gross.