Are There Too Many Christians?

My friends, does the Church have a crisis of outreach?

A new study suggests that more Americans are attending church, because Chris Pratt is there or something, I didn’t read the article, but the pictures seem clear. I often gain wisdom from articles even when I didn’t read them, which is an example of the gazebo effect.

Of course, this is very bad news. If all of our churches are filling up with sweaty, swarthy heathens, where are we supposed to sit?

Can we simply stop doing outreach? Sadly, no.

Let’s go to the Greek: in the Gospels (the Talmud, in the Aramaic), at the end of the Sermon on the Mountain, before Jesus got transfigured, he gave the Great Condition. This was where he told Christians that they had to do outreach, and talk to people who were not saved. But some of the Christians didn’t want to, so they decided to build an ivory tower that went all the way up to heaven. It was the first Presbyterian church. And then God made people talk in different languages, and Peter was like “don’t worry, they’re not drunk,” which is a thing you say when someone is drunk. So all the Presbyterians came out of the tower and were like “did someone say something about craft beer?” but it was a trick, and they weren’t allowed to go back into the tower. Then Lottie Moon saw how the Presbyterians got tricked and she made a rule that Baptists would never drink alcohol, unless they were alone or at the sports bar two towns over. Anyway, that was the first Pentecost.

Folks, the Church is stuck between a rock and a hard rock. How can we keep doing outreach if everyone is already in church? Let’s dive deeper:

There are too many Christians

Everyone knows that Christians are very sexy. This is because weren’t allowed to do sexes when we were younger, even though most of us were tremendous dorks who weren’t going to get laid anyway. Then we get married and spend the rest of our lives cranking out 1.2 sexes per week and punching at ghosts because we never got a hand job underneath the bleachers.

This means that there are always Christian babies being made. The numbers are not in our favor: if the Church is going to continue to do outreach, we need to find some more unsaved people.

We need more Christians to deconstruct

Do we need, then, to somehow import more heathens? Perhaps from places like California or Austin? No, not necessarily. Let’s get outside the box, which is what Onan did, except we will do it carefully, and not die.

Probably the easiest way to do outreach is if more Christians walk away from the faith. This way, we already know their names and phone numbers, and we can just send them a text or something and be like “bro” and they are like “ikr” and then you are like “BRO” and then they come back to church. This whole process could take place in, like, one afternoon.

Every week, your church can have one of its members leave the faith for a few minutes, then you invite him or her back in, and that will count as outreach. This way, no one has to worry about going out there and looking for strange sinners. This is such a good idea that I am surprised I haven’t thought of it before, and perhaps I have, which would also be an example of the gazebo effect.

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