Atheism Isn't Biblical

Probably the worst kind of Christian is an atheist.

Whenever you see an atheist, lurking through alleyways, creeping along on their tippy-toes and sniffing the air, looking for a child or small animal to snatch up and gnaw on, grunting and wheezing, because the above-ground air tastes different than the air of their squalid dens, or as they say, “OVERLANDER AIR BURN, MAKE HURT” in their primitive dialect, anyway, I forgot where I was going with this.

Oh yes. Whenever you see an atheist, they are always trying to tell you that the Bible is not true. How foolish! It brings to mind the words of J.R.R.R. Tolkien, who once said “If the Bible is not true, we should never have found out that it was not true.”

Tolkien

My friends, let’s play the turntables on our atheist brothers: if you, the atheist, are such a good Christian, then why is atheism not biblical?

Let’s go to the Greek. When you are dealing with the Bible, you have to remember the differences in the text. This is called contextualization. You have two Testaments, and they were written in different fonts: ipsum vox (Old Testament) and ipsum verba (New Testament). This is why, whenever the restoration committee shows me a verse that I am violating, I am able to say “that verse was from the other Covenant font.” This is also contextualization.

That being said, if we examine both ipsums for support of atheism, this is what we find:

Very few of the early Christians were atheists

When you look at Scripture, most of the early Christians were evangelicals, not atheists. Jesus generally used believers for disciples, except for Thomas, who tried to be agnostic, and was like “I need proof,” and then Jesus was like “dude, look at my hands,” and Thomas was like “fine,” although probably there was a part of him that was thinking “that could have been a deepfake.”

Want to be a pastor?

Can an atheist be a pastor? Unless it’s one of those churches where people set up potted plants to pray to, you need to believe in Jesus. Here is why:

It is dangerous for an atheist to be a pastor. Many atheist pastors accidentally convert themselves to evangelical when they are giving the altar call. And then, bam, it becomes a sin, because you should never let a new convert lead a church. This is what happened in Corinth, Mississippi, when people were banging each other’s wives and then that one guy banged his step mom, and the apostle Paul was like “what is this, Hillsong?” and he sent John the Baptist to deal with them, and John gave them honey to put in their ketchup, and it was the first barbecue sauce, and this is why everyone in Mississippi is Baptist now and eats barbecue on Sundays.

Think of the sex

My friends, if you want some of that sweet, sweet missionary position evangelical nookie, you must be spiritually mature about it.

The Bible is very clear about this. Regular Christians are not allowed to marry atheist Christians, this is called being unevenly yoked. Think about it: if you are an atheist and you are having sex with a believer, what if the rapture happens? If they are on top, they will start floating away, and it might pinch someone’s privates. Worse, if you are on top, they will float up, carrying you with them, and you will be riding them through the clouds like a nude zeppelin, and everyone will see your privates.

Only evangelicals are allowed to marry evangelicals, so that their privates stay evenly lined up. You may not like this, but that’s because you don’t understand contextualization.

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