Attractive Christian women should know better

Probably the most dangerous thing in the Church is whenever women are attractive on purpose. Whenever I see an attractive lady, it makes me feel my own feelings, and no one should be allowed to make me feel my own feelings. It’s like I’m always telling the couples who come to me for life coaching: I don’t really understand what is happening here, but it’s probably her fault.

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As an evangelical thought leader, I often skip church, because I don’t want to be a distraction to the other believers, since I am a celebrity. But this does not mean I stop attending completely! That would not be biblical! I still make special appearances, to remind the common Christians that I am a thing. And sometimes they act as though they don’t even know that I am famous, which is deceitful, which is one of the sins.

But I regress. My friends, our churches are full of women who have decided to be hot. Like that one over there, or her. Or that one over there. Wait, that second one just turned around in the pew and it turns out he was a guy with long hair and skinny jeans. And yes, men are allowed to be attractive, we can be as attractive as we want, because my youth pastor said that girls don’t see with their eyes; girls see with their hearts, except I think the girls in my youth group saw with both things because instead of liking me, they liked the boys who looked like Paul Walker and smoked in the church parking lot. But whatever. It’s like the Scripture says, “the road to hell is paved with good attention.”

When I was a homeschooler, we didn’t have to worry about attractive women. This is because we had parity culture, which is a thing that Elizabeth Elliot and Josh Harris invented, and it meant that none of the women were allowed to wear makeup or look nice, and everyone would agree to call it “modesty.” This worked really well except that it made everyone guilty and horny and crazy and a lot of those people vote Democrat now, but anyway, I forgot what point I was trying to make, which is a lot like parity culture, too.

Today, the Church is full of beautiful women. I can scarcely walk into a women’s conference without seeing form-fitting, designer clothes. Shameful. If I show up unannounced to a women’s small group, I will undoubtedly find styled and teased tresses of hair cascading softly over the supple features of our sisters in Christ. How sad. If I lurk in the church lobby behind the coat rack, I will smell the sweet siren scent of perfume wafting behind each woman like a wake of olfactory temptation, a fleeting invitation to a carnal embrace of souls upon some forbidden plane of thought. My friends, we must be better.

Is it any coincidence, then, that the Church is sicker than it has ever been? Our congregations are rife with Critical Nationalism and Christian Race Theory. Scandals abound, like that guy who did that thing. Switchfoot lost one of their guitar players.

However, do not despair; there is a life at the end of the tunnel. Just a small bit of accountability, administered in love, should be enough to combat the rise of red-hot, unbridled female sex appeal that plagues our congregations. Ladies, all you have to do is police each other: simply go to your sisters and say one of these two things:

1. you are far too attractive for this church; you must leave at once

2. you are fine; you can stay

With this easy solution, we can continue to grow into the flourishing, thriving family of believers that God intended us to be. Of course I am still much too famous to be there every Sunday, but still.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)