Celebrity Christian Exorcist Squad

[A team of priests hovers around a child’s bed, where a demon-faced young girl is tied to her bedposts. The girl writhes about, controlled by a powerful force that refuses to be cast out]

PRIEST #1: I’ve never seen a case this bad. Should we….

PRIEST #2: Yes. Make the call

[Some time later, a team of three men arrive at the home. The priests let the men into the bedroom and quietly exit, shutting the door as they leave]

GIRL: [deep, evil voice] WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

JOEL OSTEEN: Well hello there, young lady

GIRL:

JOEL OSTEEN: I’m excited to be here with you today because I choose to have faith in the power of your potential. Isn’t that right, Stephen?

STEPHEN COLBERT: Well, Joel, as a believer

[adjusts glasses]

my faith is very important to me

[holds for applause]

JOEL OSTEEN: Yes Lord

STEPHEN COLBERT: Last night I was curled up on the couch with my wife, enjoying a glass of 1982 Chateau Lafite Rothschild Bordeaux, when the words of the Apostle Paul came to mind—

GIRL: [demonic voice] SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, I AM TAKING THIS GIRL TO HELL

[The third member of the celebrity team steps forward]

MARK WAHLBERG: What we got heah, some kinda demon or suntin