Christian Scream

[Behind the scenes at a large Christian conference. A dozen prominent theologians and speakers mill about in a large meeting room. A single landline telephone sitting in the middle of the table begins to ring]

JOHN PIPER: [picks up phone] Blessings and prudent tidings of appropriate joy, to whom do I have the pleasure of—

GHOSTFACE: DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES

JOHN PIPER: Good heavens, no [calmly hangs up]

RUSSELL MOORE: John, who was that?

JOHN PIPER: I think it might have been Mark Driscoll

[The phone begins to ring again; others in the room motion for Piper to put it on speakerphone, which he does]

GHOSTFACE: YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HUNG UP ON ME

JEMAR TISBY: James MacDonald?

GHOSTFACE: No, that’s not—

BETH MOORE: Max Lucado?

GHOSTFACE: What? No—how does that even make—this is not how this is supposed to—

RUSSELL MOORE: I was going to guess Kate Shellnutt; do I only get one guess, though?

[The line abruptly goes dead. A moment later, the door to the conference room bursts open, and a figure in a black rushes in, holding a knife]

GHOSTFACE: Let’s try this face-to-face: WHO IN THIS ROOM LIKES SCARY MOVIES