Christians Need to Get Off on Social Media

Probably the hardest thing about being an evangelical thought leader is keeping up with The Discourse. Most days, I am the razor’s edge, slicing through the flotsam, jetsam, and regular sam with searing hot takes that shape the cultural zeitenfreude. With each prescient word that my team generates from AI and old Alan Noble LiveJournal posts, the hordes of slack-jawed religion writers bleat with orgasmic glee, reposting my articles and sending Solomon-grade wisdom careening through the interwebs.

And yet, sometimes new topics will arise so suddenly that I am caught by surprise. My youth pastor says if something arises suddenly, the worst thing you can do is grab it, but we must make an exception here. We will meet it head on, which is another thing my youth pastor said was a sin. Anyway, here is what my team is reporting to me: many Christians have been writing about the dangers of social media. I did not read these posts, but I quickly scanned the titles, and they all talked about getting off, such as “get off Facebook and talk to people,” and “get off social media and go outside.”

Is this correct? Should Christians be getting off on social media?

My friends, let us address this.

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Even Christians need to get off

Let’s go to the Greek: back in the New Testament, Jesus tried to send Jonah to witness to Nineveh and Gomorrah, except Jonah claimed the Benedict Option and was like “nah,” and he got on a ship and sailed away. Except he forgot that Jesus was God, which was a thing that happened to a lot of people back then¹. So Jesus walked on the water, and the waves made the ship rock back and forth. Then the people on the ship were like “we’ve got too much seamen,” and Jonah was like “I’ll get off,” so they threw him overboard and a whale ate him, and there was a coin in the whale’s mouth for Jonah to pay the tax.

We need to get off together

Oftentimes, I will wonder: what if there was an imaginary person who asked the precise question that I needed for my think piece? Today, that imaginary person is asking “what if my spouse gets off before I do?”

If you get off on social media before your spouse does, do not simply leave them behind! Practice selfless love and help your spouse get off, too.

Remember: men and women use social media for different things. Men like to post about sports and look at hiking pictures. Sometimes we see a Facebook post about the Zodiac killer and spend 30 minutes researching Arthur Leigh Allen’s handwriting. Women like to chat with friends and do crimes together, such as embezzlement. Why are these differences important? Just because it is easy for you to get off does not mean your spouse will get off just as quickly.

Let the world see us getting off

Could we get off in private? Of course! But why not be an encouragement to the world?

This is why I am always telling the restoration committee whenever I help my wife get off on social media. And they are like “we don’t need to hear about that” and I’m like “we have more time for ministry now; she got me off several times last week.” Then the committee is like “please don’t talk about that here,” and then it occurs to me that maybe they are the ones who are spending too much time on social media. It’s like they don’t even read these think pieces.

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