Did Alistair Begg Rape Bathsheba?

My friends, I regret to inform you that The Discourse has once again become heated. First and for most, my brand is being viciously attacked by people who are either too woke or too conservative, whichever:

https://twitter.com/KatelynBeaty/status/1753837821129818270

Secondly, it appears that Christians are upset about Alistair Begg. Judging by his first name, Begg probably lived in Britain long ago, and if he was British, he was probably Anglican. Anyway, whenever he was alive, I guess he told a grandmother to marry her own grandson or something, also there was a gay person.

In any theological crisis, it is your job as a thought leader to find the lowest take, and rise below it. If you want your voice to be heard, you cannot simply parrot what everyone else is saying. God will separate all of the takes, the sheep from the oats, because you cannot keep them together; the sheep will eat all of the oats. This is theology.

In this instance, all of the other evangelical influencers are criticizing Begg for the whole wedding thing, so we will not do that here. Besides, there is so much we don’t even know, such as: was the grandmother hot, or no? It’s like I’m always telling the restoration committee: some grandmothers are like one hundred years old, but some grandmothers are like 38.

Nevertheless, it’s a mute point, because the only hotness that ultimately matters is our takes. We must find the take that will shift the paradigm and make this whole issue about us, because that is what drives engagement, and engagement is basically the Great Commission, have my team clip this and ghostwrite a future article on it, use a stock photo of a hot girl so people will click on it.

Here’s what we know about Begg:

• Lived a long time ago

Folks, you know who else lived a long time ago? Most of the people in the Bible. Now that we have this connection, what is a recurring Bible issue that we can tie it to, that will make people say “this is familiar to me; I like feeling smart without having to learn new things?”

David and Bathsheba: the Alistair Begg Connection

My friends, what if this wedding controversy is nothing but a red heron to distract us from the REAL issue? Think about it: it has been four, even five months since Christians on social media last argued about David and Bathsheba. Coincidence? Pretty convenient if you ask me.

What Does Alistair Begg know about Bathsheba?

Up to this point, Christians have been arguing about whether David raped Bathsheba, or if it was consensual sex. But what about Begg? Was he there? What does he know?

Why Has Begg Never Denied His Role in the Story?

Brothers and sisters, no one here is saying that Begg is guilty of anything. I’m just asking why Begg is so quiet on the issue of Bathsheba. But wait, some might say. Didn’t you already say that Begg has been dead for a long time? First of all, if there is a problem with my article, it is because my team wrote that one, so technically I can’t be responsible for any so-called facts. And secondly, don’t you find it a little convenient that Begg never denied having sex with Bathsheba, or conspiring against Uriah? He also never denied eating all of the oats, which is a callback to a line that I remember, without having to learn any new things.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of sheep.