Do you celebrate Valentine's Day like an unbeliever?

One of the most powerful moves of an evangelical thought leader is to take a random thing that everyone does, and ask if Christians are doing it like pagans. For example, do you eat bagels like an unbeliever? Do you sleep like an atheist? Do you lure strangers to your palatial bayou estate and turn them loose in the marshes and hunt them with a crossbow like a non-Christian?

With that in mind, let’s turn our attention to Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is probably the most important holiday for Christians, because it is the horniest, except for maybe Ash Wednesday, which is part of Advent, which is in Hannukah, but Christians are allowed to light the candles because Jesus was Jewish, but not white—that’s CRT.

I don’t actually know any non-Christians, but I can still be an expert in them. For instance, I know that unbelievers do not use cups; they pour their Pepsi into bowls and lap it up with their tongues. I also know that whenever they make love, they snort and bray like donkeys; it is very loud and unholy.

So, without farther adieu, let’s make sure we are not celebrating Valentine’s Day like an unbeliever:

Do you buy expensive lingerie and give it to your wife’s friends?

You might think that this is a nice, thoughtful gesture, but Christian men are not actually allowed to do this. You are only allowed to give certain things to your wife’s female friends, such as side hugs, lists of good Newsboys songs, and friendly notes that say if my wife ever leaves me, I would love to date you, because you remind me a lot of her

Do you give your sweetheart a bouquet of animal bones, as a warning?

It is not Christ-like to wrap up a pile of rat bones, accented with delicate fronds of baby’s breath, and deliver it with a card that says your love for me may die, also your body might die, too. This is what unsaved people do, and we are called to a higher standard

Do you text ASLAN IS ON THE MOVE to your husband’s family members every time he gets a boner?

This is not how a Proverbs 31 wife behaves

Do you give your Valentine a box of chocolates that has been possessed with demonic spirits from the other side

Many well-meaning Christians fall into this trap. It may seem harmless to give your youth group crush a tray of satanic totems with cream filling, but this is a slippery slope. Not only will your Valentine eat several dozen tasty demons, but this also counts as eating like an unbeliever, so it just creates a lot of problems

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)