Does Your Church Suck?

My kid is in the middle of a Thanksgiving basketball tournament, so I’m pulling something out of the archives this week. Wrote this all the way back in the year of our Lord, 2022. Be back soon with new stuff. Thanks for reading! —M

One advantage of being a Christian in America is that we have churches here. If you are looking for a place to go on Sunday and be surrounded by like-minded believers, where you can be taught God’s Word, a church is often one of your best bets.

As an evangelical thought leader, I am too important to limit myself to one church; it is my duty to spread my wisdom around to as many churches as possible. It’s like that story in the Bible where the virgins had to hide under bushels because they didn’t bring enough oil for the wedding, and Jesus had to do a miracle by making oil come out of that widow’s jars. Also there were some candles. But now we’re in the eaves; what’s important here is that you know when to leave your current church and find another one.

Genuinely speaking, I know it’s time to leave a church whenever I am made to feel uncomfortable in any way. That’s called the gift of discernment. But not all Christians have this gift, so let’s talk about some warning signs, so you too can know if your church sucks.

Does Your Church Accidentally Worship Satan?

Are you expected to promise your soul to the lord of darkness during blood communion as the coven chants incantations to summon the spirits of hell? Friends, this could be a bad sign. When you say the name of our risen Savior, does the high priest shriek in the voice of a pig as the walls of the sanctuary crack open and begin to bleed? It could be more than a coincidence. Your church might suck, because they are accidentally worshipping Satan.

Is Your Church Small?

My youth pastor says a Proverbs 31 woman won’t care how big your body is. But let’s step up on the plate: probably the worst thing for a church is to be small, because when a church is small, that means it is bad. By the same toke, if a church is big, that means it is popular, and you always want to be popular, because Jesus is popular, and that’s just simple theology.

Breastfeeding Mothers

One of the things that destroys a church is when ladies walk in and say “hello, I am a nursing mother, this is where the baby gets the milk from, right out of the nipple of my boob.” And then they demand to do things, like serve as ushers, just walking around topless eating all the communion wafers and you can’t say anything to them because they need the extra calories, or maybe they insist on playing bass guitar fully nude in the worship band and it’s super distracting because all the other women are looking at them and thinking “dang, I wish I could have a baby, so I could get my bosoms out at church, too,” and that’s envy, which is a sin.

Does Your Pastor Often Clench New Believers in His Powerful Jaws and Try to Roll Them Underwater During Baptisms, Requiring Your Burliest Deacons to Plunge Into the Baptistry to Save the Person, and Then Does Your Pastor Refuse to Put His Pants Back on, and He Takes an Aggressive Posture on the Stage, Hissing and Snapping at Anyone Who Comes Close?

Your pastor is an alligator

Diversity

One of the most important issues for a church is diversity. I know this because I always see people talking about it on Twitter. Diversity is either very good or very bad, I guess it depends on the situation, or on other various factors. I wouldn’t know, because when you are an evangelical thought leader, sometimes you don’t have time to study an issue; that’s for the nerds. A thought leader doesn’t waste time understanding something when there are think pieces to write, and this is also the gift of discernment.

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