Don't Worry, Things Can Get Even Worse

Probably the most important part of being a Christian is hope. I am always telling people “I hope you realize that I am right,” or “I hope you fail,” also there are ladies named Hope, usually she was the girl in youth group who wouldn’t talk to you because she had a boyfriend at the high school across town, and you were a weird homeschool kid who talked about the gold standard and Pedro the Lion.

Why is this important? Folks, our unprecedented times have become even less precedented, due to various events that have happened, which caused effects. Everywhere my team looks, people are searching for answers. We are going to assume that people are also searching for hope, because that’s what I led the article with, and I don’t want to rewrite anything.

Why does this concern us? As Christians, we are called to be the salt on the hill. Why would people put salt on a hill? As the British man said, it’s a riddle wrapped in a mystery, inside an enema, and that’s why being a Christian is that, too—the mystery part. Anyway, here are some reasons you can feel better about things:

Zombies

Sometimes people will say “things can’t get any worse,” and I have to tell them that they are wrong, because what about zombies, also they are putting God in a box, which is a sin, because it’s not God in that box, it’s a cat, Schrödinger proved this.

Anyway, most bad things get even worse if you add zombies. Politics? Now imagine if the leading contenders were shuffling, decrepit zombies who mumbled and screamed nonsense into the cameras. Church scandals? Now imagine if our disgraced church leaders were walking dead who cared about nothing but feeding on their poor followers.

Harrowing.

For what it’s worked, I am an expert in all of this because I watched a documentary about zombies on the Disney channel and the zombies danced and sang songs, and one of the zombies even got to play football and date a cheerleader, but that was Disney being woke, because in real life, zombies rarely get to play football.

There’s still time for you to have a sex scandal

According to Lifeway research, many believers haven’t had a major sex scandal yet. Am I throwing down the goblet? Absolutely not! Having a sex scandal, if done incorrectly, can be devastating to your brand and to those around you, such as your spouse.

This is why I always practice gratitude, by reminding my wife that she needs to be thankful, because at least I don’t have a sex scandal. Then she reminds me that I have had dozens of scandals, including ones that haven’t come out yet. Then we start arguing, and I yell at her about that one time she had one and a half Zimas at Applebee’s and kissed a cardboard cutout of Michael W. Smith in a Family Christian Store, anyway you know how women are.

Some people will get eaten by sharks

When things get bad, one thing people will say is, “well, no one died,” and this is true, sometimes, except you can’t say that during a war, unless it’s a Nerf war, because the worst thing that happens in those is you get hit in the eye with a foam dart, which is basically like dying.

Folks, there are lots of people out there who haven’t died yet. And probably some of them will get eaten by sharks or lightsabered by Sith lords or something, and it will be your fault, so you’ve got that guilt to look forward to, too.

Anyway, I just remembered why people put salt on a hill: because when it snows up there, the roads get real bad, so you have to put salt down, or else people’s cars will slide off the road. This is what happened to Hope’s boyfriend, but he was okay, except I bet he didn’t understand the gold standard.

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