Fine, I will solve the gun issue or whatever

Probably the most important issue in Christianity right now is gun violence, so I decided to quickly solve it with an essay.

Some people get nervous when you bring up guns, because it is a divisive topic. However, when you are an evangelical thought leader, you do not have the privilege of avoiding the hot-butter issues. Regular Christians are depending on you to write think pieces to tell them what to believe. Folks, there’s a reason Jesus didn’t have a blog—it is a lot of pressure! This is why so many Christians are self-deconstructing: because their brands were built on the sand, which is a proverb that Jesus told in the Greek, which is in the Scripture, somewhere.

My friends, let me be the first to say this: guns aren’t the problem. Other people’s guns are. This is an important distinction.

And make no mistake: I do not own any guns. However, my ministry may or may not own several dozen firearms of various types, who’s to say, but all that money has to go somewhere, doesn’t it?

Some believers will try to distort Scripture and say that Jesus did not use guns. This is a straw man argument, which is a philosophy term for an argument that sucks, because you literally can’t use a straw without sucking, that’s philosophy. Also, my youth pastor says that lady Christians shouldn’t use straws around men, I guess because it might make us think about a lady sucking on something else, like a cigarette, which would be a sin, but anyway of course Jesus didn’t use guns—he was a passivist. Lots of other people in the Bible used guns, though. There are plenty of verses about people shooting things, like when Jonathan was shooting arrows to warn David about Saul, that’s how you had to shoot arrows back then, you loaded them into a gun, there was nowhere to get bullets because Walmart hadn’t been invented yet.

So, should Christians own guns? Consider this Scripture: our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil (-Bible) Does that sound like we need to carry weapons? Of course it does! That’s why I always have my team carry guns at all of my appearances; in case they see any evil spirits floating around, they can blast them. And folks, not to be a one track pony here, but if Jesus’ disciples had had guns, they could have shot the evil spirits out of that cemetery guy and probably saved a whole bunch of pigs from drowning, and then maybe more religions would be allowed to eat bacon, because they wouldn’t have to worry that they were eating the drowned demon meat.

But I digest. It is high time, brothers and sisters, for other people to give up their guns. It is whatever year you are reading this in. There is no reason for other people to continue using an invention that leads to loss of life. If someone doesn’t agree with that, they need to just get in their car and drive to another country. And, silver lining here, once you and I are the only ones who have weapons, it will be a lot easier to do that Christian Nationalism thing that people keep talking about, though it may be too late for it, I think they put the designated hitter in both leagues now, which is also an argument that sucks.

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