Foreign people need to be more Christlike

As an evangelical thought leader, I am always having my team monitor the news, so that I can know whenever one of my rivals has a scandal. If the fallen evangelical leader happens to be my friend, someone who has served faithfully next to me for years, this is an added bonus, because I can email extra bits of dirt to the editors of Christianity Today, to further damage my rival’s brand. This may seem harsh, but as Christians, we are called to keep our side of the street clean from our wounded, and this means dragging our wounded to the other side of the street, and shooting them there. And besides, why would you lay in the street if you are wounded? Go to a hospital.

Anyway, according to my team, there aren’t any good evangelical scandals right now, at least not until Christianity Today reads all my emails about Kristin Du Mez. But until then, we should talk about all the wars going on or whatever.

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For a Christian, foreign conflict can be a scary topic. This is because foreign people are scary; most of them don’t speak English, even some of the ones who look like us. So, what are we to do when wars and famine sweep across the globe? Nothing?

Well, ideally, yes. But the Bible says that during the end times there will be wars and rumors of wars, and the rumors of wars is the worse one, because it’s gossip on top of all the murdering. The point is this: if there are wars, then we might be in the end times! We have to pay attention to these things or we might get in trouble with God, like when He spit Luke out of His mouth because he was too warm, anyway my youth pastor said that’s why you should never put strange people in your mouth.

Let’s look at what’s happening:

• There is war in the Middle East. Israel is fighting with their enemies, the Jews. Jesus was a Jew, but most Jewish people are not Christian. The ones who do believe in Jesus are called Hispanic Jews, which if you go to the Greek, literally translates to "that’s a spicy meatball.”

• Russia is a country of old people who like history and vodka. They are in a war where they are attacking other people’s hospitals and supermarkets, and you would think that they would be winning, but with God all things are possible.

• That one country in the mountains is at it again.

The main issue with all of these conflicts is that, yet again, foreign people are not being Christlike. If they would go to the Greek once in a while, they would know that Jesus very rarely attacked someone with a weapon. In the contrary! When the Romans and Pharisees came to arrest him in the Garden of Eden, Jesus did not fight back. In fact, when Peter cut off that servant guy Malcolm’s ear, Jesus made someone pick up the ear so he could put it back on. Also, he was probably like “who gave Peter a sword?” But anyway, Malcolm was like “what do I do with this loose ear?” and Jesus said “X marks the spot,” and he put the ear back on and healed all the blood and guts and stuff that was probably hanging out. From that point on, people started calling that guy Malcolm X, and he later became famous because of that speech about the dream or whatever. I don’t know if he was a Christian or not, but he was American, so he was on the right track.

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