Helping readers write their sermons
When you are an evangelical thought leader, you are always getting pulled in different directions: your restoration committee says do this; your restoration committee says do that, etc. It’s all very tiresome. But this is the price to pay for having a famous brand. You can be an anonymous Christian when you get to heaven!
As part of my ongoing outreach, I recently offered to help my followers on Twitter by writing a few lines for their sermon or Bible lesson. Let’s get right to it:
Church, there’s a lot of Christians out there saying that Esther was the original Smoking Hot Wife™, but this is just poor theology. If we go to the Greek, we find the story of Eve, who was one of the first women, and we see that she was a naked lady who liked breaking the rules, so I guess she was Episcopalian or whatever, but anyway, she was the original Smoking Hot Wife.
But back to Esther. Church, let’s look at the three lessons of Esther:
she was hot; if God is not using you, it’s probably because you’re not hot enough
don’t confront evil until it affects you personally; that’s called avoiding burnout
a good way to get your king to extend his scepter toward you is to make him some food
Church, let’s cut to the cheese: instead of spending weeks and weeks going through all the rules and numbers and geologies, we’re going to focus on the important things. We will spend one week going through Song of Solomon, one week going through Romans, and then we will have a 50 week dodgeball tournament. Because let’s be honest: why should the kids have all the fun? What have they done to deserve it? We’re the ones who are slowly turning into our parents; we’re the ones hiding in the bathroom; we’re the ones trudging through the empty banalities of this dreary façade, just hoping to put one foot in front of the other until…uh…ha ha, just kidding….uh, so anyway, the sign up sheet for church softball is in the foyer
Brothers, let me get real with you for a moment. We have a crisis in this country. We have a generation of men who don’t want to cultivate Christ-centered intimacy with their wives. They’d rather be at the Pool of Bethesda, watching all the (use air quotes here) POOL HONEYS (more air quotes) swimming around in their BIKINIS making PORN (more air quotes) for their TIK TOKS.
(dramatic pause)
Jesus asked him what he was doing. (dismissive air quotes) WAITING FOR AN ANGEL to get in the water. Young men, hear me right now: if you are waiting for the perfect angel (make vaguely feminine hourglass motion with hands) you will be disappointed. Proverbs 31 women come in all shapes (look DOWN when you say this; do NOT look at the congregation). Proverbs 31 women come in all colors (you can look up now). But you aren’t gonna find them by just laying around. You have to TAKE YOUR MAT (dramatic pause) AND LEAVE
Church, when you look at Ecclesiastes 11:10, it’s talking to the newlyweds. Rid yourself of worry. Why? Because the wonderful MOMENTS of youth quickly disappear. You know why? Because after you get lots of practice (use the hand motion for sex here, where the one finger is the boy private and the other hand is the girl private) you’ll eventually be able to last LONGER than a moment.
A curious feature of the immediate post-John James era of the Newsboys is that their vocal arrangements did not fundamentally change. There remained a familiar turn-taking interplay between the primary vocalists Furler and Joel, while Jody Davis continued to be largely relegated to higher harmonies and the occasional vocal run.
Interestingly, the change in primary drummer from Furler to Phillips coincided with a shift in the band’s percussion approach. While Take Me To Your Leader somewhat loudly eschewed all hints of programming, Step Up to the Microphone reconsidered this organic turn, pivoting back toward samples and loops to augment the kit.
One could argue that the Newsboys did not reach peak vocal showcase until the Newsboys United era, which blended the post-James lineup with the showmanship and range of Tait. In this incantation, Frankenstein continued singing backup, which he had done sparingly in the pre-Tait lineups. The only member to not contribute significant vocals during the United era was Phillips, who provided sporadic backing vocals early in his tenure, but seemed to shy away from the mic, post-Going Public.
This is to say nothing of the emergence of Kevin Max as a sort of recurring celebrity guest star in the Tait/United era. Max has appeared on several of the band’s singles, including “God’s Not Dead.” Such is the power of the Newsboys brand that the band can absorb divergent forces such as the right-leaning Tait and left-leaning Max, utilizing their strengths while remaining centered and focused. No small feat, in these unprecedented times.
Esther point 3 is correct hermeneutics. Love begins in the kitchen. Love in the SoS Greek, that is.