Holiness Rankings, November 2023

(Our periodic check in of the holiest people and trends in American Christianity. Improve your chances of making the next rankings by disclosing the sins of your rivals in the comments.)

1) Me

In the anals of history, certain saints rise above the rest: Bonhoeffer, Martin Luther King, Jr., Rich Mullins, Jesus, etc. What do these men all have in common? I have heard of them. I have also heard of other men, and also some women.

When you are mentioned in the same breath as Jesus, which I am, because I just did, in the paragraph you just read, it means you are extremely holy. Many people are always asking me how they can get onto these rankings. Sorry, I didn’t see you mentioned in the paragraph that I just wrote.

2) Bryan Johnson

Bryan is a very rich person who shocks his penis because he wants his private parts to be 18 years old instead of 46 years old. At first glance, this might seem like a sin. After all, that one girl at my Christian school who wanted to get some 18 year old penis got in trouble and had to read a Stormie Omartian book about the power of a praying teen or something.

But let’s not put the cart before the whores: what if Bryan Johnson is actually doing this for purity? When I was 18, my penis didn’t get anywhere near any girls. Actually, for a lot of us guys, the youth group years were probably the holiest that our private parts ever were. Anyway, that girl from my school has 3 kids now, so I guess she finally got what she was looking for, at least 3 times.

3) Kate Shellnutt

Due to the continued sins of Katelyn Beaty, Kate remains the holiest female in the rankings. Lots of people are writing in, asking if I know about this or that sin that Kate is doing. Yes, we all know, everyone knows. There just aren’t very many holy women out there right now; she’s the best we have.

4) Having, or not having, church on Christmas

Did you know that Christmas falls on December 25th this year? I don’t know what day of the week that will be, there’s really no way to know until we get to December, but there’s a chance it will be close to a Sunday. Either way, it’s time we re-launched the discourse from last year: Should you, as a pastor, prioritize your church family over your own family? Or should you make an idol out of family time and betray your calling to serve your flock? Let’s talk about this for the next seven weeks, preferably with incendiary social media posts.

5) Covenant Eyes

Mike Johnson, who looks like the guy they put on Saturday Night Live after you stopped watching the show, then whenever you happen to see an episode, you watch him and are like “man, this show used to be good,” even though his John Mayer impression isn’t bad, but whatever, everyone likes the SNL from their youth, anyway Mike Johnson is a Senator or something who is the Speaker of the House and people are talking about him because he uses Covenant Eyes with his son.

Covenant Eyes is a program that helps you share porn with other people. Here’s how it works: when you find a good porn, the program is like “good porn detected” and it sends it to one or two of your close friends, so that they can see it, too. This saves people time, which is thoughtful, which is holy.

Some people are pushing back against Mike Johnson, which is ironic, because if you go to the Greek, “pushing against a Johnson” is literally the definition of porn, so whose side are they actually on? These people say that it is intrusive to monitor your family members in this way, but now we’re through the cooking glass, because if you go back to the Greek, “monitoring an intrusive member” is literally the definition of WATCHING porn.

It makes you think.

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