Holiness Rankings, September 2023

Folks, it’s time to once again rank the holiest Christians in the world. Of course, we’re only dealing with American Christians. I’m not saying that foreigners can’t be saved, but if they are so holy, why don’t they live in America? It makes you think.

1) Me

high school photo, but also I still look exactly like this

Some Christians like to talk about humility, which is a thing for people who do not have brands. When you regularly engage the other evangelical thought leaders, you cannot be humble; you must tell the truth that yes, I really AM that holy. To pretend otherwise would be like that part of the Bible that talks about hiding your candle under a bushel. You can’t do that; the bushel will catch on fire and then what will you put your apples in?

2) Single Women

Yes, I am putting all single Christian women at #2 on the list. And yes, this is a brave and powerful gesture by me (that’s why I’m #1). Here’s what happened: a well known troll on Twitter said that single women’s lives don’t have value unless they get married and have children. I decided to own this troll the only way you can own a troll: by loudly reacting to what he said and calling more attention to it. I am here to protect all single women, who I secretly believe are frail, feeble creatures, otherwise they’d be married or whatever.

3) Tim Keller tributes

As soon as I die, I plan to publish dozens of tributes to myself, in a stunning display of brand synergy. It is probably the best thing you can do for your brand, other than have a scandal happen to one of your evangelical rivals, which I also plan to set in motion when I die.

4) Lauren Boebert

Folks, lots of us complain about the questionable content that is put in front of our children. Very few of us do anything about it. Boebert discovered a play about a demonic entity, being marketed to children, and she did something. First, she bought tickets with her guy friend. Then, to distract everyone from the play, she told her guy friend “quick, grab my bosoms,” and he was like “good thinking,” so he did, except then he was like “uh oh, my minor prophet turned into a major,” and so she was like “I will grab your Lazarus, so he doesn’t come forth.” This may sound like a fiasco, but make no mistake: no one left the play talking about the demons, so I call that mission accomplished, and speaking of accomplishing missionary, me and my wife have a new role play now, thanks to this whole thing.

5) Public School parents

Probably the holiest kind of Christian parent is the one who tells other Christian parents that they are doing it wrong. Sometimes, it’s people telling you to homeschool your kids or put them in a Christian school. Other times, it’s people telling you to put your kids in public school. The important thing to remember is that whatever path you choose, you are wrong.

For whatever reason, we seem to be in a season of Christian public school parents elbowing their way into everyone’s social media feeds and braying into the wind about community engagement or something, I don’t know, I don’t really pay attention to other people’s ideas. What I do know is that Christian kids who go to public school grow up to vote Republican and argue online with the Christian kids who were homeschooled, who now have insufferable podcasts about deconstructing from purity culture. This is also a role play my wife and I have, but it’s not one of the better ones.

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