How many times per week should I have sex with my spouse? Take the quiz

One thing that people are always asking me to do is save their marriages. When I was in ministry, I would often counsel dozens of couples per week, under the assumption that if I never came out of my office, the restoration committee would never be able to follow up with me. But you know what they say: scandals are rebranding opportunities, so I soon rebranded into a life coach, and continued to counsel people by typing their problems into a search engine and making up a lot of stories about people with the exact same problem who I had helped, except they didn’t exist.

Now, the time has come to take on a delicate, extremely personal marital issue and solve it in article form: What is the correct number of times per week that Christian couples should bang each other?

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As an evangelical thought leader, I have a healthy and vibrant sex life, reaping the full blessings of God’s covenant of intimacy, almost always with my wife. For all intensive purposes, I am an expert in sexual matters, except all the female stuff or whatever.

Probably the worst thing you can do is to go up to your spouse and say something like “please tell me what your needs are.” Remember: communication is the enemy of healthy relationships, or something, there’s definitely a saying about relationships that has to do with communication, I’m not going to look it up and get it right, because then I will have to give credit to whoever said it. The devil is in the footnotes, which is another saying that has been said.

Try this rule of thumb: if you look at your thumb and your spouse is sucking on it, you need to make a rule to have sex more often.

But how many times per week? Nervous Christian women love to take relationship quizzes and sigh about the results, so here is a quiz that will tell you exactly how many times per week you should have sex with your spouse:

1. Are you ugly?

People who are hot don’t need to have sex as often, this is science. It’s the rest of us who have to constantly get naked to distract our partner with our private parts, like sorry I look like a haggard older sibling of the person in our wedding photo, but check this out, and then point to your church steeple or your points of grace or whatever you named your private parts, that’s your business, let everyone know in the comments, but not really.

If you are ugly, add 3 points. If you are hot, add 1 point

2. Are you having marriage problems?

People who are busy banging each other don’t have time to argue about things. This is why, whenever you feel a disagreement approaching, you should always tell your spouse “I am feeling an emotion that I do not wish to feel. Take off your pants.”

If you disagree with your spouse about anything, add 3 points. Otherwise, add 1 point

3. Do you have kids?

Everyone knows that having lots of children makes it easier for married couples to have more sex, because your children will simply play quietly with each other for hours on end, allowing you and your spouse to have entire afternoons of uninterrupted alone time.

Add 1 point for every child you have. If you have no children, add 1 point

4. How many times did you have sex with someone else this week?

Here’s a pneumatic device to help you with this: one to paramour, wife gets four. This is like that part in the Bible that talks about first fruits or whatever; you have to make sure your spouse gets your banana or melons first, otherwise something happens that is also in the Bible or something.

For every time you typically cheat on your spouse per week, add 4 points. If you do not cheat on your spouse, add 1 point

5. Is your spouse trying to murder you?

Maybe they’re just horny!

If your spouse is trying to kill you, add 3 points. If they haven’t tried yet, but you suspect they might be planning something, add 2 points. Otherwise, add 1 point.

6. Do you have sexual thoughts?

Here’s a pro tip: whenever you or your spouse has a sexual thought, that equals one (1) sex that you need to do, otherwise it will be like that testimony we all heard in church about the guy who had an affair because he let Satan get a foothold. And if you go to the Greek, pro tip literally translates to gigolo, and a gigolo will also hold your feet, but I bet they make you pay extra for that.

Add 1 point for each of the average number of days per week that you have sexual thoughts. If you do not have sexual thoughts, or you are a gigolo, add 1 point

The results

Add your points together. If you and your spouse are:

• Basically kinda young— multiply by 3, and this is how many times per week you need to have sex

• Not old yet—multiply by 2

• Old—you do not have time to multiply by anything, get busy before you both turn to dust

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