How to Be a Biblical Manhood Influencer

One thing that people are always asking me is, “do you have any comment about Daniel Silliman’s Christianity Today report on your scandal?” Another thing people are always asking is, “how do I become a Biblical manhood influencer?”

Now, under normal circumstances, I would never teach other people how to become thought leaders, because this threatens my brand. Never forget: other people’s success always comes at your expense, this is rule #1 of being an influencer.

That being read, I am making an exception today. There are too many fledgling influencers in Christian culture, and if I can herd them all over to the men’s side, then I can have more space to tell Christian women what to do, which is where the real money is, because women buy books and go to conferences, while men just look at things and feel sad.

1) Be a giant wuss

If you are an actual confident man who is secure with himself, this may not be a great fit for you. Secure men are often very thoughtful and empathetic, and this simply won’t work. We need you to have chihuahua energy, just constantly yapping at things because you are terrified. What are you afraid of? Everything! But certain things in particular:

• feelings

• vaginas

• your own boners

• weakness¹

2) Grow a thick beard

Nothing says “pay no attention to my credentials” like an excessive amount of facial hair. This is why only men can be biblical manhood influencers. Although, if you go to the Greek, the first person in the Bible to influence a manhood was Eve, but this doesn’t count, because it was under the Old Convent, this is also why Ruth was allowed to do whatever she did to Boaz before they were married, you can make up your own mind, all I’m saying is that he put a ring on it before she uncovered anyone else’s feet.

3) Blame women

Not really. But kinda, yeah. Tell men that the true spiritual danger is becoming feminine, which is bad, because reasons. Pick random things that you can connect to women, and try to shame men for doing them:

• wearing pink shirts: pink is the color of girl babies, it is science

• being a stay at home dad: usually ladies do this, therefore you are wrong

• doing yoga: it has witchcraft in it or something, and only girls are allowed to be witches

• playing video games: reasons

• being fat: only girls are allowed to be fat

4) Pretend to be tough

Now that you have a thick beard, put on a flannel shirt and take some branding photos with some trees in the background. Tell men that they need to eat more red meat and spend more time outdoors. Talk about chopping wood and climbing rocks and lifting weights and learning MMA.

Are you actually a tough man? Of course not. Men who are actually tough do not have to tell other people about it. But you have a brand, and that brand is bluffing other men into feeling bad about themselves.

5) Publish something that says “Rediscover” or “Revitalize”

You can try to write a book, but the only people who will read it will be wives and seminary students. A better bet would be to release a video series or something. This way, people will be able to see your beard. Maybe something like “Rediscovering God’s Plan to Revitalize Manhood” or whatever, anyway there should be a lesson in there about Boaz, because that dude knows about getting his manhood revitalized.

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1. if you are afraid of all four together, of your boner feeling weak inside of a vagina, you need to talk to my youth pastor