How to Be Offended By Everything: A Guide for Morons

My friends, opinions have gone political again.

Harrison Butker, the kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs, which is an extremely offensive name for a football team, because not all of the players are actually Native American, probably only like half of them or something, which means it counts as cultural aberration, anyway Butker gave a speech and said some things about women.

I have not watched the speech, but make no mistake: I am in favor of women. It would be so, so difficult to build a brand without women, because men get mad when you tell them what to do, but women only pretend to get mad, and then they buy your book anyway.

Some people are angry about the things that Butker said, and other people are angry because they think he is being persecuted. But what about the third group of people, who are not upset by any of it? Why are they not mad? Are they simply not smart enough to be outraged by every new thing? Am I to stand idly by, while these people blindly go about their lives, devoting their energy and attention to their family and friends? How sad!

As a thought leader, I cannot abandon these people, even if they are in fact idiots. If we go to the Greek, this is like that paradox Jesus told about the man with 100 sheep and he left the 99 in the pen to go look for the one that was missing, but it had fallen in a ditch and then King David said he wasn’t allowed to get it out because it was the Sabbath, then when the man went away, David stole the sheep, but Nathan found out about it and told King David “let my people go” and then some other stuff happened but anyway the point is this: I will not leave these people in the ditch. I will teach them how to be outraged by every new thing.

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Everything directly affects you

The mistake that happy people make is that they don’t realize that every new thing affects them in a dire way. This is called the Buttermilk Effect: some people pretend to like the way that buttermilk tastes, even though it’s basically just regular milk that someone vomited into, and anyway it makes me mad that people drink buttermilk, even though no one is making me drink it. It’s the same thing with other people’s takes: even if they are talking about something that doesn’t seem like it concerns you, it does, and you need to take it personally.

Everything is actually about you

The reason that everything affects you is because everything is actually about you. Think about it: when you read a news story, whose emotions do you notice the most? Your own, or some random person’s? Exactly. This is because you are the main character. This means that when people argue about a complex theological issue, they are talking about you, and how it makes you feel. Likewise, when a politician or a celebrity makes a controversial statement, people aren’t talking about the celebrity, they are talking about how it makes you feel. This is why you should never let anything go. This isn’t a Wes Anderson film; there’s only one main character.

Getting angry will definitely make a difference

Is a stranger on the internet being more conservative or liberal than you? This is because they are trying to trick you into doubting your opinions. Probably the worst thing you can do is doubt yourself; this is what happened when the little piggy built his house on the sand—the house fell apart. The pig should have built his house on top of Peter, because he was a rock, but the pig died anyway because Jesus cast some demons into him and he drowned, which was good news for the prodigal son because now there was more pig food to eat. Anyway, you should always get angry at other people’s ideas, so that you never have to change your mind about anything. Except this article, don’t get angry at this.

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