I always honor women, sometimes even if they're not hot

Probably the easiest way to build your evangelical brand is to write a think piece for Christian men. Of course men aren’t going to read it, but all the women will, and they will buy your books, and then you will get to speak at conferences and you can start using the phrase “my team,” even if your team is just your spouse who is at home with the kids.

With that in mind, allow me to say this: as Christian men, we must respect women, and not just the ones we want to sleep with. All women. Some men only respect their wives; I respect my wife, ex-wives, and my various mistresses, paramours, and side chicks, so when you look at it that way, I am 400% holier than other Christian men, which is like double or whatever.

Make no mistake: I am not saying we should be polygons. Having multiple wives at the same time is not biblical, this is why Mormons are the worst evangelicals, also they ride around on bicycles and dress like they are in a ska band, and this is cultural approximation, which is a sin when other people do it.

But let’s not get too far out over our skies. How should we treat our wives? If we go to the Greek, we find instructions for husbands, such as that thing where it says something about Jesus and the church. This is why you should always overturn your wife on a table and whip it out, because of what happened with the moneychangers or whatever.

Another thing I am always doing to honor my wife is pointing out ways that she can improve. This is because Christians who are not me have blind spots, which is a thing that was written about in a book. Anyway, whenever I am unhappy, I ask myself what can my wife do to make me happy, and then I tell her, because if a marriage doesn’t have communication, what’s the point?

But what about single women? My married brothers, let the reader understand: single Christian women are dangerous. Whenever they see your dad bod staggering across the church parking lot holding your feral youngest son by the back of his collar so he doesn’t run into oncoming traffic, they get a heartboner and are like “I shall immediately seduce that 44 year old father.” This is why I always act distant and weird around single Christian women, as a service to them, so that they don’t get any ideas. And whenever a single woman tries to hug me, I always blurt out that I am married, just in case she is about to rub her lady blessings on me or something.

Now, for our elderly Christian brothers. How should an older Christian man honor his sisters in Christ? Brothers, you must be an encourager. You should always be telling younger women in church things that build them up and make them feel good, like

• you make me wish I was 40 years younger

• I bet you drive all the boys wild

• you remind me of a girl I dated when I was younger

Christian women love hearing these things.

Finally, a few words of instruction for the young single Christian men. Actually, there aren’t any rules for you guys, you are free to continue your recreational lifestyle until you have your first existential crisis at 29 and then marry a 21 year old. Some people might say that this isn’t fair, but whenever someone complains, I just have my team handle it.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)