In Celebration of the Church's MILFs

On this Mother’s Day, let us pause for a moment of tender reflection on the heroes of this (and every other) day:

Men.

Churches are full of young women with hot bodies and lots of free time who are like “well, time to get swollen and tired.” So they go around and ask men to do a sex to them, after marriage. And men are like “I don’t even like sexes, but I have a servant’s heart,” so they marry a woman and then Ephesians 5 happens, and it only lasts for about 90 seconds, but that’s good, because it means you practiced radical purity in youth group and didn’t Ephesians 5 with the girls in college like your friends did.

Anyway, that is where babies come from: because men did all the work. However, because I am a feminist, I respect all women, and not just the sexy ones. I believe that if they try hard enough, all women can be sexy to me, which is why people hate me, a feminist. And I do not care who this may offend, but I say we should also elevate women on Mother’s Day.

Take, for instance, the many MILFs in our churches. If you are not familiar with this term, it is an anagram, which means that each of the letters stands for a sound.

MILF:

M others
I n
L oving
F ellowship

Let’s go to the Greek: probably the most famous MILF Bible story was when the Canaanite general was looking for a place to hide so he went to a lady named Baal’s tent and then he got thirsty for her milk jugs so she murdered him with a tent stake through his brain. Except this was a sin because you weren’t supposed to get head in a tent unless you were married, so Paul put Aquila and Priscilla in charge of the tents, and it was weird, because they were one of those married couples who have similar names and dress the same and look the same, but whatever. I forgot where this was supposed to go, which is good, because that means that I practiced radical purity.

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In recent years, the Church has made a conceited effort to honor women who are not mothers on Mother’s Day. My friends, how far we have fallen!

Probably the biggest threat to the Church right now are women who do not have children. You often see them walking through the sanctuary with giant water bottles, saying things like “I can drink this whole thing and not have to pee, it is very nice and I love it.” Sometimes, a mother will be dealing with a screaming toddler in the church lobby, and a childless woman will walk past and whisper into her ear “I am going home to read a book and think thoughts.”

Sometimes, a group of childless women will body shame a mother in church! They will say things like “just so you know, it is so cool having regular size nipples,” and then the mother will be sad, and then the childless women will say “but stretch marks are nice, too,” and then they will laugh. Also they are drinking beer and wearing matching leather jackets. Then all the childless women race outside and get on their motorcycles, because they aren’t even staying for the sermon; they are leaving early to go ride around in the Target parking lot and vape. Also, their leather jackets have an eagle embroidered onto the back. And maybe the eagle has fire coming out of its mouth.

I don’t think that we should give these women roses or have them stand up in the sanctuary for a round of applause. This may sound harsh, but I am just speaking my truth, as a feminist.

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