Is the Pope Actually a Bad Southern Baptist?

Probably one of the most famous Protestants in the whole world is the Pope. Even more famous, perhaps, than me. And when you are an evangelical thought leader, you must always find people whose brand is more powerful than yours, and hold them accountable for something, because no one gets Scott off for free.

Everyone assumes the Pope is a good Southern Baptist, but is this actually the case? I have put some facts together that support whatever I had already believed to be true; let’s now look at those facts.

He does not play church league softball

Every year, Baptist ladies go to their husbands and are like “you should play on the church softball team, it will be good for you to get outside and let off some steam.” Then their husbands go out and stand around with other repressed Baptist guys in 105° heat and hallucinate about being teenagers again and making their high school team, then 25 years of pent up Dad Rage explodes and they start yelling at the Presbyterian team for no reason and then they come home with a sunburn and more steam than they started out with. Then their wives are like “Doug, if you didn’t have fun, you don’t have to play next year,” but Doug is on his phone ordering batting gloves for next summer. The premium kind. Anyway, the Pope does not play softball, even in a senior league.

He has been seen drinking

Folks, it’s time to put our monkey where our mouth is: Did you know that the Pope has been seen drinking wine? This is in direct opposition to the Baptist tradition on alcohol, which is that Baptists drink in secret.

He supports Notre Dame instead of an SEC team

The Pope is the President of Notre Dame, which is a school for hunchbacks and football players, also there are Irish people there, I know this because my family is Irish, but we are also Christians, and that is why we are Alabama fans. Most Southern Baptists support an SEC football team, and will use Sunday mornings to complain bitterly about how their team lost, or in Alabama’s case, won while giving up too many points, which is worse than a loss.

He often spends time in Catholic churches, speaking and advocating for Catholic theology

For a Baptist, the Pope spends an alarming amount of time in Catholic churches. What is he doing in there? Why is he always speaking to thousands of Catholics, exhorting them to hold fast to the traditions and liturgy of the Catholic faith? Let’s keep our nose to the gemstone: Perhaps he is doing outreach. Perhaps he is spying; spending time with other denominations, learning their weaknesses, so that the SBC can defeat them. Or, perhaps it is something much more sinister: he could have a girlfriend that is not Baptist, and my youth pastor called this denominational missionary dating, and he said it’s not exactly a sin, but it’s also one of the 13 warning signs of Purity Backsliding.

He does not have sons named Braedon and Braxton who play travel baseball

I have carefully examined all of the Pope’s children, and not only does he not have a Braedon or a Braxton, he also does not have a daughter named McKinley who plays 10u Dixie softball, a daughter named McKayla who is a JV cheerleader, a niece named Brooklyn playing Upward basketball, or a nephew named Brodie who WOULDA BEEN first string at the high school this year if the coach woulda got his HAID outta his ASS. To be fair, the Pope does have a cousin named Doug, who got thrown out of two church league softball games for hollering at Presbyterians.

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