Jesus was NOT a White Republican; He was a Brown One

My friends, as we head into another election season, we must once again address the issue of what color Jesus was, and who He would have voted for.

In the old days, it was accepted that Jesus was white, because the Bible is in English, which America invented, and the first people to live in America were white. But if you go to the Greek, you realize that most of the events in the Bible didn’t actually happen in America, but in a foreign country. So, Jesus was still American, but he was over there, with the foreign people.

Was Jesus white, then? This is a major point of contentment!

Some Christians like to be miserable all the time. We call these people “progressive believers,” and I can’t remember if they are the woke ones or not, but they like to put their adverbs in their pronouns, which doesn’t sound biblical to me, but I am only here to judge people when I have something to gain from it. Anyway, a thing that progressive Christians say is “down with the paternity,” and I can’t remember why this is connected to anything, make sure my team cleans this part up later.

No, wait, I remembered what they say. They say “Jesus wasn’t a white Republican.” Is this true? Let’s look at the theology: if you take all the colors of the little children of the world who Jesus loves, such as red (problematic), yellow (also problematic), black, and white, and mix them together, it probably makes, like, a brown color, maybe the color of that dresser over there. Now that we’ve established that all Christian children are brown, let’s go further: there are also verses in the Bible where Jesus talks about how you must become like the (brown) little children, and how Jesus is the firstborn among many (brown) brothers, I’m not going to look them up, but trust me, they’re in there somewhere.

Is all this a coincidence? My friends, we are looking through glasses here. Jesus was not white.

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But who would He vote for?

In theology, this is called a straw man argument, which is where my youth pastor says that men are like straws: they’ll keep working as long as you suck on them, and women are like those little forks, because they are small and made of metal, and guys are confused by them. Anyway, Jesus wouldn’t need to vote for anyone, because he is the Prince of Peace. You can’t elect princes; you only get them when a mommy prince and a daddy prince get married and have a baby, except for Jesus, he was different, actually this was a bad example.

Conservative Christians like to say that Jesus is on their side, and this is true, because they put the Christian flag right next to the American flag in the sanctuary. And if you look at the Scripture, how many of the early saints were Democrats? Not many. Maybe Junia, because she was gender fluid, because at first everyone thought she was a woman, then people said she was a man.

But let’s not get lost in the buried ledes. My friends, Jesus did not come to earth to set up an earthly kingdom. He came to set up an American kingdom, I learned this from Christian nationalism, and I can’t remember if those guys are Republicans or Democrats, but I will have my team check on their adverbs to see.

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