Newsboys auditions

MICHAEL TAIT: OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH Thank you to everyone who has come out to audition to be in the best band in the WHOLE WIIIIIIIDE WORLD MMMM YEAHHHH

Let’s get right to it: me and the boys want to see what kind of SPIIIIIIIIICE each of you are bringing to the Newsboys RECIPEEEEEEEEOHHHYEAHHHHhhhh

[The auditions begin]

TUCKER CARLSON: [leans into mic] I don’t THINK God is dead. That doesn’t SOUND like something God would do… Now you may be asking yourself: who would kill God? That doesn’t make SENSE to me

JODY DAVIS: Next

JEFF BRIDGES: [strums same chord over and over] AHHHH THIS HERE’S A SONG ABOUT BREAKFAST OR SOMETHING OR OTHER, HELL IF I KNOW

JODY DAVIS: Next

ANTHONY KIEDIS: [spastically cavorts around stage, periodically pausing to shout scat-style into mic]

California girl sing hymn

California devil do sin

Church in California baptize twins

Me California, whole world is California

JODY DAVIS: No

GRETA THUNBERG: How DARE you shine

JODY DAVIS: Next

JOHNNY DEPP: [plucks single string, leans into mic] Well before I get started I believe we all owe a debt to the spirit of music, that darkness, that unknowable chasm that the Muscogee once called Fayetu’s flute

JODY DAVIS: Next

JOHNNY DEPP: Perhaps it would help if I festooned myself with additional accessories

JODY DAVIS: I could have been in Third Day

JOYCE MEYER: [rattles diamond-encrusted tambourine] GOOD GOLLY GOSH ALMIGHTY GEE WHIZ JIMINY WILLICKERS

JODY DAVIS: Nope

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [perfectly plays the intro to “Entertaining Angels” on the piano, then stops and speaks into the mic] You know, the supposition that these alleged heavenly beings—on a spiritual realm—could be illuminated by a television screen—on a physical realm? Well, color me incredulous

JODY DAVIS: I did a solo album once

MICHAEL TAIT: All right now GLORY GLOOOOOOORY all right? All right. Amen. I’m gonna start with a little number by a true LION of the faith, a man I respect very much. The legend. Wintley Phipps

JODY DAVIS: Michael, you’re already in the band; why are you auditioning?

MICHAEL TAIT: I saw a microphone

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