Nick Saban, Evangelical Judge

After a legendary college football coaching career, Nick Saban has decided to revive the Old Testament practice of judges, in an attempt to deal with the issues facing today’s Church. He is Nick Saban, Evangelical Judge:

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BAILIFF TIM TEBOW: All rise for the honorable Coach Saba—

[door swings open]

JUDGE SABAN: Ok now everybody just sit, I ain’t got time for that, aight. I got a lotta things to do today, so let’s get on with it

[A bearded man waddles up to the bench]

DOUG WILSON: Well, your honor, it seems that my critics have once again been TRIGGERED by my masculinity. It seems we have some WOKEFLAKES in the body of Christ (pauses for effect). If I am guilty of anything, it’s being too much MAN for their tiny little girl brains!

JUDGE SABAN: I mean what are you supposed to be

DOUG WILSON: I own several cigars

JUDGE SABAN: AIGHT I’M MAKING A VERDICT: You can’t be lecturing people about masculinity when you look like someone cloned Rutherford B. Hayes with a marshmallow. We get it, you’re afraid. Talk to God about it and stop trying to provoke people just so you can feel something.

[Bailiff Tebow leads Wilson away while the next person walks in]