Nick Saban, Evangelical Judge: Part 2

Stronger Men's Conference Edition

After a legendary college football coaching career, Nick Saban has decided to revive the Old Testament practice of judges, in an attempt to deal with the issues facing today’s Church. He is Nick Saban, Evangelical Judge:

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BAILIFF TIM TEBOW: All rise for the honorable Coach Saba—

[door swings open]

JUDGE SABAN: I done told y’all to stop standing for me

[a stocky figure struts up to the bench]

MARK DRISCOLL: (sidles up next to Tebow) Hey, Tim. Looking jacked, brother. Me too. I’m benching about 450 these days. Actually the gym banned me. Was lifting too much weight. People were complaining. It was a thing

(approaches Saban, somewhat nervously) I coach football, too. I am a football coach. I tell the football men what to do.

JUDGE SABAN: You got, like, an issue or something? Why are you here?

MARK DRISCOLL: Yeah, so, I went to speak at this men’s conference, and I felt a very dark spirit there. The spirit of Jezebel. So, I—

JUDGE SABAN: So what you’re saying is, you weren’t in control. Lemme guess. So you made everything about you

MARK DRISCOLL:

JUDGE SABAN: Imma make a judgement here. AIGHT. You went to a conference where a bunch of landscapers and mechanics overcame their fear of male intimacy for one afternoon so they could feel something before they die, and you went Reformed Gantry on those guys. HOT DAMN, son, you don’t need to be anywhere near a pulpit. You’re the last person I would give a platform to, and I hired Lane Kiffin. Go sit in a pew somewhere.

[Driscoll shuffles off as a glowing apparition materializes in front of the bench]

CARMAN: What it is, baby