Nude Dove Awards: AI and the Church

Folks, they are putting technology in the computers now.

I know this because many Christians are talking about AI. People are saying various things, with words. There are articles.

AI, which stands for AI Intelligence, is when you tell the computer to create a picture, and it does, except the picture is not real. This is an example of Occam’s Raiser, which is when you need to find a scientific law to illustrate your point, so you just go with the simplest one.

My friends, I have seen some of the AI creations, and they are horrifying. the AIs can conjure a work of pure terror, a fax Emily of a real Christian, except darker and unnatural, as if from another dimension. For example:

There is something deeply offensive about these AI abominations, as if the computers think we are too stupid to recognize something that would never exist in the real world, such as:

And then, sometimes the AI will produce something that is so ludicrous, all we can do is laugh:

Nice try, computers.

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Probably the most dangerous thing about AI is that Christians will type in “Nude Dove Awards” and see what happens. As believers, this is very harmful, because then when we do the Nude Dove Awards role play with our spouse, it won’t be as special. Like when the husband, who is naked, goes to the microphone and says “and the Dove Award for Best Sex Haver goes to…MY WIFE” and then he applauds and his wife, who is also naked, gets up off the couch and hugs all the stuffed animals, who are supposed to be the other people in the crowd, and she goes up to her husband and gives him a big front hug (it’s okay because they are married), and then the she leans in to the microphone and is like “y’all, I named my boobies Andy Chrisman and Mark Harris, because they are FOR HIM,” and she points to her husband, and all the stuffed animals give her a standing ovation, because that was an example of biblical womanhood.

But there are AI issues that are even more dangerous than Nude Dove Awards. My friends, there are pastors who are using AI to help with their sermons!

It is true: AI can do words now.

Brothers and sisters, we must be vigilant! There is no more pressing danger to the foundation of Christianity than pastors cribbing bits for their sermons. We must demand a generation of shepherds who will honor the sacred service of the pulpit by writing sermons the old-fashioned way: by remembering a heavily embellished anecdote that a seminary professor told in 2003, then reworking the bit until it slides into point #2 in the third sermon in a five part series on having joy during trials, which has otherwise been constructed with the help of Logos and Sermonary.

For posterior’s sake, I have decided to begin experimenting with AI to see if there is any benefit to the Church. AI might not be safe for common Christians, but I have a powerful brand. Whenever I am visiting a new church and the pastor says to take a few moments to greet those around you, I simply take out my phone and go to my AI assistant. “Give me a cover story about a rare disease so that I don’t have to shake anyone’s hand,” I say into the phone, because it’s faster than typing. Then, the people around me are like “why do you have a gallery of nude K-Love Fan Award pictures pulled up on your AI app?” and then I have to ask my AI to give me a cover story for THAT, and it turns into a whole thing. It is difficult for me, as a Christian celebrity, to go to church without causing a scene. This is why I am looking into getting my AI to preach to me, which is also an example of Occam’s Raiser.

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