Okay, but What if My Neighbor is Gross

Probably the biggest problem with loving my neighbor is that I don’t want to.

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Many Christians are arguing right now about what it means to love your neighbor. And some people are arguing about who this applies to—who counts as a “neighbor.” And some other people are arguing about the other thing, and who is allowed to criticize the thing, because they didn’t criticize the previous thing, when it was the other side doing the thing, and these people never stop arguing, because they are deeply repressed and too embarrassed to admit how horny and lonely they are.

But anyway, back to the neighbor issue, which is big deal. At least this is what my team tells me; I have no idea, I am very busy securing the contract for my next book, which my team will also write. My job is to give vague blurbs for other authors’ books which I have not read, so that I can then browbeat those writers into giving me blurbs for my book. This is how publishing works, and it is my ministry.

Why are people telling me to love my neighbor?

First of all, this isn’t even a thing that Jesus said, and if he did, it meant something else. Because, when you think about it, Jesus didn’t even have neighbors, because he was unhoused.

Second, I do not even know who my neighbor is. Short of loving everyone, there is literally no way to be certain that I am loving my neighbor.

And third, what if my neighbor is disgusting? Yes, I said it.

Like a homeschooler on the wedding night, we are suddenly looking at a part that no one talks about.

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As an evangelical thought leader, whenever I am confronted by gross people, I immediately go to the Scripture: I pull out a Bible and pretend to be reading it, and I keep on walking.

Let’s go to the Greek: what did Jesus do when he was around people who annoyed him, such as the disciples? He got away, like the time he went on a boat or the time he went to pray in the Garden of Gerasenes and a demon-possessed man was doing self harm, so Jesus made all the demons go into some pigs, and the pigs ran down a hill toward some water, so Jesus lowered a big sheet down from heaven and caught them all, but then Peter cut the ear off one of the pigs and they fell off the sheet and into the water and drowned. This is why people in the Jewish faith, to this day, do not use sheets.

To be more like Jesus, I also try to avoid people. Of course there are exceptions, such as when the woman is hot, but I generally try to hide behind my team. The other day, the restoration committee was trying to reach me, probably because it is tax season and my ministry has a lot of unexplained expenses, such as bulk orders of my books and hush money. To be Christlike, I got in my boat and went out on the lake. After a while, I fell asleep below deck. When I woke up, I was in the midst of a terrible storm. I went topside and told my team that the storm was judgement on my brand, and to throw me overboard. They did, and then I wound up on an island, and then I built a fire and when I threw some wood on the fire, a poisonous snake came out and bit me on the hand, and then I woke up and it turns out that I had just fallen asleep in the bathtub inside my mansion, the whole thing was a dream, except I had bite marks on my hand. I don’t know how that happened or if I did it, which is also like a homeschooler on the wedding night.

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