Restoration Island: Grace to the island

The year is 2023

When an evangelical celebrity has a scandal, they are whisked away with the promise of a luxe and posh island getaway to be pampered and served while they restore their brand

Only the island part of this is true

No cell service, no adoring fans, no cameras

Only Franklin Graham teaching survival skills, surrounded by wild animals and God’s untamed creation

Welcome…

to Restoration Island

[Franklin Graham has brought the group to the island’s beach, where he is wading in the shallows and attempting to teach them to spear fish. No one is paying attention]

JIM BAKKER: …and that’s when the CIA conspired to have me imprisoned for discovering the true origins of El Niño

MARK DRISCOLL: The CIA killed Mars Hill. But also, I’m in the CIA. The Super CIA. Seal Team CIA. F— you, Mike Cosper

JOHN CRIST: Have y’all heard about this Chinese weather balloon? That thing got shot down faster than my Christian Mingle requests. OHHHH LORDY HE SAID IT

[the brush rustles]

[a figure stumbles out onto the beach]

JOHN MACARTHUR: Excuse me, I seem to have been dropped off at this island by mistake

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: WELL HOTTY TODDY, REFORMED WALDER FREY THOUGHT HE HEARD SOMEONE SPEAKING IN TONGUES AND CREEPED ON IN HERE TO CHECK IT OUT

PAULA WHITE: [pointing to MacArthur] is that a fish

CARL LENTZ: [raises his hand] Jesus ate fish

JOHN MACARTHUR: [looks around] This island seems dangerous; I don’t want to stay

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: WELL SKIPPY WE CALLED YOUR CHURCH AND THEY SAID YOU SHOULD STAY IN THE DANGEROUS SITUATION

JOHN MACARTHUR:

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: HOT DANG, DADDY’S SLANGIN’ STRANGE FIRE TONIGHT, BOYS

PAULA WHITE: I am speaking a word of faith that that angry old man is a fish

JIM BAKKER: The CIA controls the Dove Awards

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [to Bakker] SURE THING, TBN LYNDON LAROUCHE

CARL LENTZ: [trying hard to impress Franklin Graham] one time Jesus turned a little boy into five loaves and two fish

JOHN MACARTHUR: Well, I suppose I could found a seminary on this island and teach you theological Luddites the fine art of expository preachi—

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [points at Crist] THAT DON’T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT DOES, LIFEWAY CK

MARK DRISCOLL: And the other thing about Mike Cosper is that, like, I mean…what do we know about this guy? How many megachurches have he and Kate Shellnutt personally started, grown, and then wrecked? I’m just asking questions here

JOHN CRIST: You know, when you get cancelled, people will ask you to apologize to people you hurt. But you know who never apologized to people he hurt? JESUS. It just got real up in here, Church

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [sighs] WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER ISLAND

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)