RESTORATION ISLAND: Johnny come lately

The year is 2023

When an evangelical celebrity has a scandal, they are whisked away with the promise of a luxe and posh island getaway to be pampered and served while they restore their brand

Only the island part of this is true

No cell service, no adoring fans, no cameras

Only Franklin Graham teaching survival skills, surrounded by wild animals and God’s untamed creation

Welcome…

to Restoration Island

[Franklin Graham is attempting to teach the inhabitants of the island how to set up a tent in a clearing]

MARK DRISCOLL: I invented tents

PAULA WHITE: God wants us to all have a tent. A tent full of treasure. Gold, diamonds, pearls, shining, shimmering, glinting, sparkling, twinkling, glittering New Jerusalem gems for Jesus, give Mama a hallelujah

RAVI ZACHARIAS: I don’t know how to pitch a tent

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: WE ALL KNOW THAT AIN’T TRUE

[there is a rustling in the bushes; a strange figure staggers into the clearing]

JOHNNY HUNT: Hello, I seem to be on this island by mistake: I was cleared to return to ministry by my restoration group

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: LISTEN HERE, BILBO BAPTIST, I WOULDN’T TRUST THAT BUNCH TO RESTORE THE TOILET SEAT BACK DOWN AFTER THEY TAKE A WHIZ

JOHN CRIST: Lord have mercy they’re gonna cancel tents. When they do that, it’ll be PAST TENSE, I call that a Chick fil A joke because nobody laughed, it was for MY PLEASURE, oh LORD JAY-SUS HE WENT THERE

JOHNNY HUNT: I need to get off this island, does anyone have a boat?

JIM BAKKER: A vision flashed before my eyes: I was caught up by a powerful holy wind and taken to another realm, where it was revealed to me that President Trump is indeed Melchizedek

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [to Bakker] HEY LORD FAUNTLEROY THE 700 CLUB CALLED AND PAT ROBERTSON WANTS HIS GIMMICK BACK