Sexy Costumes for your Church Fall Festival

Salome

Many Christian women do not realize that a simple fake head on a platter can create a slutty, yet theologically sound costume.

The Bible does not tell us what kind of dance Salome did for her stepfather, but it ended with him promising her half of his kingdom, and this is the kind of thing a man says when he is no longer making decisions with his brain, because he is at maximum horny. So, she was probably naked and doing a sexy dance, like the Macarena.

Some people at your church may not understand theology. They may say your costume is inappropriate. Probably the best thing to do is to act confused, then hold out the platter and loudly say “are you asking me to give you head?” You would be surprised at how uncomfortable this question makes people.

Samson

Probably the sexiest man in the Bible is Samson, because he was an idiot with big pecs, and all the Christian ladies are like “oooh, I could fix him.”

Samson is your friend from youth group who could walk into a room full of smart, pretty girls, and in five minutes he will be talking to the one crazy girl in the back. And then you are like “John, that girl is on probation for stabbing her last boyfriend,” but he is like “bro, I got this,” but in fact he does not have this, and he never will.

Anyway, most nearby farms can supply you with an actual donkey jawbone to complete this costume. Squirting ketchup all over the jawbone can give it an authentic feel, while also being true to the Scripture. Or, you can dress as late stage Samson, who was blind, but he also killed a lot of people, which is why we should never think less of people in the Church who have handicaps: they can do murders, too.

Eve

Many Christian women want to go to the fall festival as Eve¹, but are scared to go fully nude. Problem solved: two small apples, when held strategically, can cover your private bits. Some would say “why not get one of those costumes where Eve is covered by a shrub or vines?” But this is poor theology. It would be a bad example for the young people if you were not naked. And then other people will say “you’re going to need more than two apples to cover all your private parts,” but that is why you have your husband or a trusted male friend walk behind you, holding a large watermelon over your butt, and a second person, such as the pastor’s wife, walking beside you, holding a large cantaloupe over your lady zone.

Slutty Executive Pastor

Some Christians think that only women should be allowed to wear slutty costumes to the church harvest festival, but this is patriarchy, which is woke, which is a form of purity culture. Christian men should be allowed to wear sexy costumes, too, so that all the ladies can be like “if I were visual, I would be super turned on right now.”

Probably the hottest costume this season is the slutty executive pastor. The executive pastor is like a regular pastor, except an introvert. He sits in his office and looks at numbers, and then preaches once every year. The rest of the time, he has to do random tasks, such as asking people how much it would cost to fix the church van, and plumbing. Anyway, having two buttons unbuttoned is what makes this costume sexy. If you undo the third button, you must leave. We are not that kind of church.

Cathy

The sexiest person in your church is Cathy, who is 59 years old and is always wearing a shawl. Her husband Dave sometimes stays home on Sunday mornings, but it is not because he is deconstructing: it is because Cathy wore him out last night. Cathy did not have sex until she was 27 and married Dave, and they are in the thousands now. She does unspeakable things to that man. Loving, unspeakable things.

Anyway, the key to the Cathy costume is the perfume. You don’t know the name of it, but when you smell it, you immediately think of the perfume counter at the mall, with the ladies in the white jackets. Cathy don’t play.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of John.

1. this AI image was approved by my wife, so please direct all complaints to Kendra Pierce. She took this task very seriously, and I wish I had filmed her angrily rejecting various AI slop because it violated her internal modesty line