Should babies be allowed to be pastors?

Probably the biggest issue facing Christianity is who gets to be a pastor.

This is because of Rick Warren; before him, no one ever argued about this. A long time ago, Warren wrote Chicken Soup for the Soul, which is a book that women named Carol bought and put in their bathrooms. He became very famous, and so Billy Graham was like you are famous, you are allowed to start a church, so Rick and his wife Elizabeth invented the Saddlebag Church, which was a church for cowboys, except one time Barack Obama went there and the cowboys got mad, because he was a city slicker. Anyway, Warren decided that he was done being a pastor, and then he ordained a whole entire family to be the new pastors, which made all the Baptists mad, because of paedobaptism, which is a Greek word that means “babies baptizing people.”

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At first glance, it might seem like a good idea to have a husband and wife serving together, because then when you engineer a coup against the leadership and vote them out, you don’t have to feel bad for the pastor’s wife, because now she’s a pastor too, so you can really enjoy kicking the whole crew out.

And let us not forget that male and female pastors are different. My youth pastor says that boy pastors love to give sermons, but girl pastors give sermons to get love. In theory, shouldn’t this be a good recipe for balanced church leadership?

Of course not. The problem here is that once you allow married pastors to serve together, it is only a matter of time before they do that sweet, sweet pastor sex and make babies, who are also pastors. Baby pastors!

My friends, the Church will soon be at a crossroads: we will face an entire generation of pastors who lay around all day in onesies and shriek for someone to bring them a bottle or some boobs. And yes, that might be how they do things at Hillsong, but that’s a different think piece.

Many people will drown

Most babies are not strong enough to lift a submerged adult out of the baptistry water. If you have a baby pastor floating in there with water wings and a new convert wades in and goes under the water, you might as well just forget them, because that guy is gone; he belongs to the baptistry now.

They poop themselves more than regular pastors do

Many pastors poop their pants on purpose; you are allowed to do this in ministry, it is called “the privilege of the cloth.” However, you must have a sense of decorum about these things. You cannot just make a stinky in your britches because someone looked at you the wrong way; that’s bush league stuff.

They are not good pitchers

Boy pastors always demand to be the pitcher on the church softball team, because it’s like being the quarterback, except it’s not a real sport. There aren’t very many lady teams for church softball, but girl pastors do weird things too, like give a lot of book recommendations to people who didn’t ask for book recommendations. But anyway, back to the softball thing: boy pastors love to make a big production out of each pitch, turning around on the mound and telling every fielder which way to shift, and then as soon as the ball is in play, they just start yelling gibberish and pointing to where the ball is, even if it’s a slow roller, like settle down, Mike, I see it.

Have you ever seen a baby play softball? Of course you have. We all have. They’re just not very good at pitching.

I don’t trust them

I will not be intimidated by the cold, dead eyes of these infant charlatans. My brand and I will stand in the gap against the drooling, babbling interlopers. Unless it’s better for my brand to support baby pastors. It just depends. Hopefully, I will be famous enough to start my own church soon.

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