Should women be allowed to serve in the church nursery?
Probably the least important Christians are the little children. This is because most of them don’t read articles or listen to podcasts, so how can I even minister to them by telling them what to think? This is why Jesus was always saying to not bring the children to him because it made him suffer or something, the King James Version was kind of confusing until they translated it to Greek.
But let’s not get beat off on the path: what, then, is the Church supposed to do with children? Some churches do not have any children; we call these Christians “Lutherans.” But what about the other denominations, like Southern Baptists, who have literally thousands of newborn Braxtons and McKinleys to deal with?
Many churches build tiny prisons called nurseries to hold the babies and toddlers. This raises an important issue: who should be in charge of the nursery? Right now, I am imagining a person who is asking the question that this article needs someone to ask, also the man is made of straw, that’s why it’s called a scarecrow argument, anyway the straw man is saying “wait, shouldn’t we put women in the nursery?”
Not so fast, my friends. For far too long, the church has allowed women free rain inside the nurseries, and when the church has done things a certain way for a long time, that means it is wrong.
In the beginning, churches put women in the nursery so that they wouldn’t try to destroy everything by preaching sermons or joining the softball team. And it worked, obviously. But at what cost? Did you know that when you serve in the nursery, you don’t have to listen to the message or sing the hymns or anything? You are allowed to just vibe. Many men don’t know this because they are not allowed to go into the nursery, because of bosoms. Mothers are always going into the nursery to feed their babies or just because they feel like getting their breasts out. At any given time, there are probably 2-3 dozen topless vibing women in the church nursery, and this is very sinful, because when the babies see all those bosoms, they will want to eat, and this is coveting, which is against the 10 Commandments.
Probably the best solution is to make all the women leave the nursery and have the youth group boys be in charge of it. That way, whenever one of the babies has a dirty diaper, the cloud of Axe Body Spray will kill the bad smell. And after the boys feed the babies cheeseburgers and Gatorade, they can gently put them to sleep by reciting the play-by-play of last year’s county JV tournament, when coach was like bro, you got this? and I was like why are you even asking me that question right now?
I don’t want to wax a poet, but this is just the tit of the iceberg. The church has many more issues that need fixing, and some of them aren’t even women’s fault. I mean most of them are, but the rest are probably because of children or something. It’s like it says in the Greek: blessed are those who suffer or whatever.
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When I was much younger, before I learned that Christian women can sometimes say no to things they don't want to do, I volunteered in the nursery. I, too, believed it would get me out of singing hymns and listening to messages about how God made women to tempt men but not teach them. What no one told me is that Christian parents disciple their little children to poop/pee once per week, within the 60- to 90-minute window of time they're in the church nursery. Some churches even call it The Brown Hour, which is self-explanatory, but suffice it to say that it's when every child is like a fountain flowing deep and wide into and even beyond his/her own diaper. Because I'm a woman, fortunately, God gave me the spiritual gift of changing even the most sinful of diapers. I have come to believe that many Christian parents join churches because they want to raise their children in a community of believers who will come alongside them in renewing and transforming their kids' weekly diaper. Instead of arguing about it, we should view this as an important way to reach all the lost parents out there who are just blindly changing their kids' diapers and making a huge mess of things.
I went to a church where men could volunteer in the nursery, but they were not allowed to change diapers, even if the kid was theirs.