Stop listening to secular music

Listen to these Christian artists instead

Probably the most dangerous thing for Christians to be exposed to is someone who is not their spouse. You should never show your privates to other people, unless you have a good reason, like if your privates are very nice. Anyway, the second most dangerous thing for Christians is probably secular music.

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Several hundred years ago, back in the Garden of Eden, all music was Christian music: hymns, Newsboys, things of that nature. But then the serpent came to Amy Grant and was like “maybe you should sing about things that are not God, like getting it on,” and the serpent made a motion with his fingers of the wiener going in, which meant sex. Amy Grant was like “okay,” but then everyone got in trouble: because the serpent loved to talk about wieners so much, he lost his arms and legs and had to look like a wiener; Amy Grant had to go to Vince Gill’s house, and Gary Chapman went to Hooters, but this wasn’t his punishment, he was going there anyway.

These days, many Christians listen to secular music, which is a sin. [Have my team research this and change it, if not true] As a thought leader, I have provided this handy chart to help you find Christian artists who sound just like the pagan melody lords to whom you so quickly kneel.

Do you like Taylor Swift? You will love Lauren Daigle

Ever since someone turned in my notebook of Walker, Texas Ranger/BarlowGirl erotic crossover fan fiction to the restoration committee, I am technically not allowed to listen to female artists who are attractive. So I do not know much about either of these ladies. I think one of them is a rich woman who sings about not getting to be a cheerleader in high school, and the other is Lifeway brand Adele, but I’m not sure who is who.

Do you like The Weeknd? You will love Crowder

One of these men is the epitome of cool; a smoldering blend of charisma and sexuality who resonates as an innovator on the leading edge of culture. The other is missing a vowel in his name.

Do you like Olivia Rodrigo? You will love the Tri County Homeschool Association’s Boys Choir

I do not know which boomer-proof social media platform that Olivia crawled out of, but I do know this: she does not wield the power of three different Jacobs and two different Lucases. (Lucasii? Lucas’s’s’s’?)

Do you like Doja Cat? Andrew brought his guitar to the small group devotion again, he is playing “Waymaker”

Doja Cat seems like a fun lady, it’s probably okay to look up her music videos on the computer in your church office. Then again, you shouldn’t be reading this Substack on your church office computer, your purity software is going to be billowing out thick black smoke like they accidentally picked a Protestant Pope.

Do you like Harry Styles? Here is a picture of Bonhoeffer. Think about where your life went wrong

Eric Metaxas, get Zayn back in One Direction. Initiate the Benedict Option. Rod Dreher is Melchizedek.

Do you like U2? You will love U2. Nothing is real

Probably the best thing about Christian college in the early 00s was that instead of having sex or getting drunk, you argued with people about whether U2 was a Christian band or not. Actually, there were a lot of people there getting drunk or having sex. They probably didn’t even know that much about U2, though.

Do you like GWAR? You will love Sandi Patty

You should love Sandi Patty anyway, all of you.

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