The Christian Sutra

Folks, isn’t it time that a Christian wrote an article about sex?

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Whenever unsaved people want to do a sex, they have to wait until there is a full moon. Then, in the middle of the night, they go out into the forest and take off all of their clothes. Then, there is a lot of braying and snarling, and sometimes they scratch each other with their talons. After it is all done, they smoke cigarettes, which is a sin.

If this isn’t bad enough, the pagans even wrote their own book about how to do sex! It is called the Kama Sutra, which is not to be confused with the Carman Sutra, which was an idea I had for an erotic CCM devotional for couples, but anyway, the Kama Sutra has pictures, and I know this because a guy at my Christian college bought one when he was about to get married because he thought he was going to do 64 different sexual positions on the wedding night in the 40 seconds before his privates clocked out for the night.¹

So, what about the Church? Who is teaching Christians the biblical and practical principles of how to bone?

My friends, yet again I must answer the call. As a thought leader, I have done sexes with dozens of women, many of whom were my wife at the time. Back when I was allowed around teenagers, I spoke on abstinence at several conferences, such as SoulFire Teensplosion and YouthQuake III: March on Branson. In addition, I also do life coaching² with numerous affluent couples in the greater Brentwood area who have no real marital issues but enjoy the feeling of superficial maintenance.

Let us take a mature, open-minded look at the different ways that a Christian couple can enjoy the blessings of intimacy:

The Missions Offering

Trunk or Treat

This is the one where the boy Christian is like OOH OOH YEAH, and then the girl Christian is like UH HUH, and she is going like this, and then they hug.

The Potluck

The Reverse Potluck

The K-Love Fan Award

This is the one where the girl Christian is moving like this, and she’s like DO THAT SEXY THING and then the boy Christian does the sexy thing, and also one of them is dressed like Brandon Lake.

The Council of Trent

The Altar Call

This is the one where the girl Christian is like “do you want to see my privates?” and the boy Christian is like “yes, I want to see your privates,” and then some other things happen, and then the girl Christian is pregnant with twin boys named Braxton and Bradlee.

Big Daddy Weave

This is the one where they are naked.

Horny Omartian

This is the one where the boy Christian is making a face like this, and it is the face of “I definitely mean business this time,” and then they have to do the thing where they freeze, because someone is clawing at the door. Did you lock it? Who is it? It sounds like Braxton. Go eat your Cheerios, honey, Mommy and Daddy are changing clothes.

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1. if he had read the Carman Sutra, he would have been in Rocketown

2. currently not legally allowed to call these sessions pastoral counseling