The Christian's Guide to Having an Affair

My friends, church leaders are doing sexes again.

It seems as though every 12 months or so, I have to write another piece about infidelity. This is very good for my brand, of course, because Christians love to click on articles that have to do with sex. Many Christians are deeply repressed, and when you are repressed, all that tension has a way of finding its way to the surface, often without you even realizing it. So, when news breaks about Christian leaders being laid bare, caught and writhing about in hot, sticky webs of sin, it should come as no surprise when everyone wants to smash the open button.

Speaking of coming, what does the Bible say about leaders who fall into sexual sin? Let’s go to the Greek: in the book of Timothy, Timothy writes that church leaders should be “above reproach.” As an evangelical thought leader, this means that anyone who questions me needs to be removed from the church. If I do this enough times, eventually everyone will say my reproach is fine, except for those people outside my ministry, who are legalists.

Make no mistake: this is an issue of grace. Whenever I have a sexual scandal, some people say that I need to be punished with accountability, or humiliated by serving behind the scenes. This is not grace! Grace means that I get to rebrand. People need to hear that the Gospel is about forgiveness, second chances, and restoration, from me.

But let’s not get blown off course here. As a Church, we must be better about affairs.

Make sure the person is hot

Probably the most hurtful way to cheat on your wife is to do it with an average-looking woman. This is because your wife will be like “her?” and this will damage your wife’s self confidence, and she will think “what am I, like a 4?” But if you cheat on your wife with a smoke show, your wife will be like “ok, I’m at least a solid 8.5, then,” and this will leave her with a good, happy feeling. You should always put your wife’s needs first, when you sleep with other women.

Don’t forget about emotional affairs

Sometimes, you will get caught before you can do actual, private-to-private sex. This is called an emotional affair. Christian women use this excuse sometimes, and it means “I didn’t touch his peenie, but I thought about it, also I totally touched his peenie.”

Emotional affairs can be useful. In this day and age, many affairs start in the DMs. Traveling across the country to meet someone who may or may not look like their profile pic is expensive, and risky. Many times, I have found that the spiritually mature course of action is to simply tell the woman “I am a married man with a godly wife; let’s keep this affair emotional.”

Don’t have affairs with nonbelievers

Sadly, it seems that many believers have no qualms being unfaithful with an unbeliever. You should only have affairs with fellow believers, to avoid what the Scripture calls being unequally yoked, which was written by one of the New Testament people, possibly Timothy.

Don’t get caught

Probably the best—and easiest—way to avoid the heartbreak of infidelity is to simply avoid getting caught. It’s like I’m always telling the restoration committee: isn’t the real villain the person who turned me in? Ratting out a powerful Christian is basically gossip, which is definitely not above reproach. Fortunately, I have a lot of grace, when it comes down to it.

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