The Christian's Guide to the Middle East

My friends, it’s time a Christian wrote about foreign issues.

Specifically, the foreign place of the Holy Land.

Technically, the Holy Land is Arkansas, because they have so many Baptist churches there. But we are talking about the other Holy Land, where people are always fighting. People in Arkansas only fight at certain times, such as during 10U travel baseball games.

Am I an expert in world events? Not really, but maybe. I am constantly telling myself that I am an expert, so who knows. I could be! This is called the placenta effect, and it is how they get babies in the womb to feel better, by giving their mothers fake medicine.

What is the Middle East?

If you start in America and go right (right equals east), you will cross over the American Ocean and get to the rest of the continents. This is where the country of Jerusalem is, and this is the Middle East. Jerusalem is a country of white people: all of the men are named Ben, and all of the women are hot soldiers, which is a thing I learned from scrolling the Facebook algorithm. If you are an ugly lady in Jerusalem, you are not allowed to fight, because this will mess up the algorithm.

Why are people fighting there?

Folks, you have to understand history. In the old days, two hundred years ago, Jerusalem was a Christian country, because Jesus was there. But then Jesus died and was rebranded back to life, and He went to heaven. This made that whole area backslide, and they went back to their old customs of law and ancient rituals: Catholicism.

One hundred years after that, the Middle East was invaded by the people who lived there, the Hindus. They were brown people who did not believe in the correct God, also they had curved swords. My youth pastor says that a Proverbs 31 wife won’t care if your sword is curved, but pagans are not allowed to have a Proverbs 31 wife, because that counts as missionary dating, which is a sin. This is why the pagans are always angry.

Then, the Pope sent Campus Crusades for Christ to take back the Middle East. All the brown people formed the Ottowan Empire, and everyone fought over Jerusalem, like in that movie where Legolas and Saladin had a bunch of talks in the desert. And then one of the world wars happened, and Jerusalem went back to being white people, but they were not allowed to be Catholic anymore, so they converted to Jewishness.

What does the Bible say about the Middle East?

I had my team Google this, and turns out, there are a lot of verses in Revelation about Jerusalem and end time battles, when Jesus comes back and defeats Mr. Beast or something.

There are also verses about Jerusalem in Song of Solomon, where the lady is always talking about the daughters of Jerusalem, and also putting myrrh between her bosoms, which is a sin, because she should have taken that myrrh and let the wise men give it to baby Jesus. This is why Solomon backslid; he was missionary dating myrrh wasters.

What is happening there now?

Two hundred years after Jesus, people are still fighting over Jerusalem. My friends, they are letting Muslims into the Middle East now. In addition to the Muslims, there are also people who follow Islam. Both of these groups are fighting against Saladin’s Hindus, and also the Jews who used to be Catholics, plus the Jews who believe in Jesus now, the Masonic Jews. All of these people want to control the country of Jerusalem, because of that one building with the gold roof, which is Notre Dame.

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