The Church Needs Better Scandals

Folks, I have been looking at the recent church scandals, and I must say: I am disappointed. Hurting people? Hiding sins?

Cringe!

My friends, we can and must be better than this. It is my hope, that with prayerful dedication, the bride of Christ can reach its highest potential: our scandals must be better.

As believers, the only limits we have are the ones that the restoration committee puts around us. Here are some ideas for how to make church scandals great again. For maximum impact, read each headline as if it were a breathless tweet from Christianity Today or Religion News Service, or a lesser outlet, such as The New York Times.

Megachurch under scrutiny for sending “mission trip” to Himalayas to search for Yeti

Think about it: what if Joel Osteen sent a team of two dozen ex-military church members on an expedition to find the abominable snowman? Yes, at some point in the process, the ostensible “mission trip” would be unmasked as a shallow feint to get the heavily-armed team through customs, but so what? Who knows what horrors the Abominable might have in store up there? We need those armed drones.

This would be a cool scandal. No one but Warren Throckmorton would be truly upset about it, but Warren is always upset about something.

Nunchuk-wielding Christian mommy bloggers on surfboards terrorize spring breakers, also they are nude

Imagine a beach full of entitled, booze-soaked college students, spending their parents’ money to take a break from the stress of being young and attractive and having no responsibilities. Gross. Now, imagine a gang of Christian mom influencers surfing across the waves, totally naked, stretch marks on display to the world, twirling nunchucks and attacking anyone in their path. Also, maybe they have matching headbands.

Would this be a scandal? Yes. Would it be the coolest scandal the Church has ever seen? Again, yes.

Seminary president accused of masterminding performance-enhancing drug scheme for school’s Esports team

Kate Shellnutt: Albert Mohler, sir, can you comment on the allegations that you misappropriated Southern Baptist Theological Seminary funds to ship cases of Bawls guarana soda to the SBTS God’s Gamers team the night before the Chick fil A League of Legends Faith Fight Invitational, in clear violation of the stimulant guidelines adopted by the event organizers?

Albert Mohler: [inaudible grumbling]

Faith Group sued for unauthorized production of Point Break sequel

Look, I’ve already written the script, it’s called Point Broken. In it, a 60-year old Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) is living a restless life as a surfing instructor in Malibu. Still searching. Haunted by the ghost of Bodhi (Don Swayze). One day, FBI agents Ben Harp (John C. McGinley) and Leonardo Pappas (Jake Busey) come to him with news that will alter his life: the Ex-Presidents are back, and they are robbing banks.

Utah brushes the feds off. The Ex-Presidents are dead. This new group must be cheap copycats. That’s when Harp tells him some news: not all the original Ex-Presidents are dead. Roach and Nathaniel survived the events of the first movie, and after serving lengthy prison sentences, both are unaccounted for. What’s more, the feds have audio from the latest robbery, where one of the robbers refers to the lead robber by name: Bodhi.

After seeing the gang rise to fame on social media, where they are lionized as heroes of the people, Utah agrees to return to the FBI for one final job: confront the ghost of Bodhi, and stop the Ex-Presidents once and for all.

Utah reunites with Tyler (Lori Petty) and former adversary Tone (Anthony Kiedis), now a minister who runs a halfway house. Together they track the Ex-Presidents and eventually engage the group, where Utah chases “Bodhi” through a Hollywood costume ball on Halloween. Cornering him, Utah pulls off the mask to reveal Bodhi (Austin Butler), son of the Patrick Swayze character. Shellshocked, Utah collapses to the floor, while Bodhi explains his plan: he, too, is haunted by the ghost of his father. He recruited Roach and Nathaniel to reform the Ex-Presidents as a way to prove to himself, and the world, that his father’s dream was still alive. And now, with the 30-year storm (a bit of retconning from the original 50-year storm concept) approaching, the group is robbing banks to build up enough money to disappear on their existential quest.

“You want the ultimate, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price,” Bodhi says as he slips the Obama mask back on and disappears into the costume party crowd.

The movie builds to a climax at Bells Beach, Australia, where agents Harp and Pappas converge against the Ex-Presidents, and Utah arrives, no longer sure whose side he is on. The 30-year storm hits the beach, and Nathaniel and Roach are chased away by the approaching agents. Pappas kills Roach, getting his revenge on the man who killed his father. Nathaniel escapes into the group’s helicopter. Bodhi insists on staying, intent to catch the same wave of the same storm that killed his father. Utah confronts him, and gives him the Reagan mask his father once wore. Harp and Pappas appear, chasing Bodhi off the beach and into a nearby grove of trees. Utah finds Bodhi first, and they have one final confrontation, with Utah gaining the upper hand, knocking Bodhi out.

“I told them you’d go quietly,” Utah says as he pulls out his handcuffs.

Finally, Harp and Pappas find Bodhi handcuffed to a tree, wearing the Reagan mask. Utah is nowhere to be seen. However, when Harp eventually pulls off the mask, it is not Bodhi, but Utah, who had allowed the younger man to escape.

“Vaya con Dios,” Utah whispers, as we see Bodhi successfully riding the wave in, before being picked up by Nathaniel in the helicopter.

Anyway, maybe there could be some nude Christian mommy bloggers in there, too.

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