The Presidential Candidate Abstinence Conference

Here’s a quick one for you diehards on the other side of the paywall. Free article coming soon.

The premise here is simple: what if the 2024 candidates for president were forced to lead a church conference for teens on sexual purity? As always, if something here offends you, please understand that I regret nothing.

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[A megachurch sanctuary, filled with youth groups from all over the tri-state area. The smell of Axe Body Spray hangs heavy in the air. All of the candidates are on stage, addressing the teens]

TIM WALZ: Okay, guys. Boy, you guys are special. I really mean that. So special. I need to talk to the young men for a second: Guys, we need to get real about something. We need to talk about Mr. Peenie

DONALD TRUMP: Mr. Peenie. I’d say give him a hand, but that’s what got Onan in trouble

TIM WALZ: [ignoring Trump] Guys, Mr. Peenie is going to tell you a lot of things. Mr. Peenie is going to say, “hey! I want to come out and play!”

JD VANCE: Mr. Peenie is a penis

KAMALA HARRIS: Ladies, *this* much space between you and your brothers in Christ, just in case