Time Pastor: Jurassic Ark

Hey, and welcome. If you’re new here, the regular, ETL voice articles will continue on the free side, usually on the weekends. For the paid subscribers, I drop all sorts of things behind the paywall: sometimes it’s a serious piece in my own voice, while sometimes it’s…uh…this. If you’re not a paid subscriber, you can still check this out with the free preview. Thanks for reading, everybody. Have a good week! -M

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When an archeological discovery threatens to upend everything we know about creation and evolution, the Church sends Skyler Van Caleb—a disgraced former youth pastor who plays by his own rules—back in time to protect the dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark from time-travelling atheist assassins.

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MOUNT ARARAT, TURKEY

Two archeologists stand under the burning sun, examining the latest dig.

“Yep, that’s definitely Noah’s Ark, all right,” one of them says.

His partner points at the excavation.

“And this inscription says that this is the room where they kept the dinosaurs. Well, this proves it: there were DEFINITELY dinos on the Ark.”

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BRENTWOOD, TENNESSEE

It is the kind of bar a man goes to when he is thirsty. For danger. Also, for alcohol. Mango vape smoke hangs thick in the air. There are ladies in short skirts. The jukebox is pounding music; secular music. People are saying bad words.

Two men move through the crowd with a purpose. They are looking for someone, someone who does not want to be found. A youth pastor, former youth pastor, who has been off the radar. He got too radical and was canceled, because of Woke. Now, he is halfway backslidden, hanging out in this bar on the wrong side of Nashville, smoking real cigarettes and taking the sharks for Chick fil-A gift cards in high stakes back room sword drills.

There, against the wall. They see him. A young man, handsome and well dressed, in sunglasses. Blonde hair combed up, like Iceman in Top Gun. And just like Iceman, he is cool. Cool as ice.

The two searchers move to opposite sides of their target. He doesn’t seem to notice them. They close in.

Suddenly, he speaks, just as they put their hands on his shoulders. He saw them the whole time, because of vibes.

“Don’t you guys have a concert in Peoria or somewhere?”

The two searchers look at each other. One of them speaks.

“Brother, you’re not safe here,” says Mike, who is Mike Weaver from Big Daddy Weave.

“Come with us,” says Jeremy, and if you are thinking is that Jeremy, the guitarist from Big Daddy Weave, then you are right.

Just then, the men notice a group of women in sexy dresses talking to the bartender. One of the women has an Uzi sticking out of her purse. The bartender nods, and points across the room toward the three men.

It is time to go.

The two members of Big Daddy Weave hustle their charge through the dark alleys and across rain-slicked streets. Their enemies could be anywhere, around any corner. Are they being watched? This city never sleeps. Steam billows out of the sewer grates, like in those old movies, and it looks rad. A wolf howls in the distance, for symbolism.

Finally, a limo, parked in the shadows. Mike Weaver opens the door and motions for the mysterious man to enter.

Skyler Van Caleb takes a look around. He drags deeply from a cigarette and flicks the butt to the pavement, which counts as littering, but he does not care, because he is a Bad Boy.

“Sure, why not,” he whispers, and climbs into the limo.

Inside, a man sits in the seat facing him, and oh yeah, it’s the Pope.

“Pastor Skyler.” the Pope says.

“I ain’t been a pastor for a while,” Skyler answers, in a cool voice.

The Pope smiles.

“For this job, we don’t need someone who plays by the rules…we need someone radical.”

Skyler rolls his eyes.

“Get Hannah Anderson. I’m out of the game.”

The Pope reaches into his pocket and pulls out a flash drive.

“Would this change your mind?”

Skyler swallows hard.

“Is that…a MacGuffin?”

The Pope nods.

Skyler pulls out another cigarette and lights it. The Pope does not seem to mind.

“Then let’s get radical,” he whispers.