To the Christian Graduate of Whatever Year This is

A quick note: under normal circumstances, this is a very lucrative time of the year for me. As an evangelical thought leader, I am typically in high demand as a commencement speaker at many Christian high schools and colleges. However, due to the recent reporting on my sex scandals by The Roys Report, my brand has temporarily become toxic. I would never deprive the people of my wisdom, though, so I am giving my commencement speech here, for free, pro boner, which is also what got my brand in trouble. If you are a school administrator, simply have an attractive person read this article from the stage, probably while that song from Explosions in the Sky plays in the background.

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My friends, we stand together at a crossroads. One of the roads goes like this, and the other road goes like this, that way. Which is the correct road? I would say that one, but I don’t know. It could be a trick.

Tonight we honor the class of 2026. Wait, is that real? Is that a real number? What year is it now? That means that everyone here was born in what year? Aren’t these kids 11 years old? That one isn’t—he has a beard.

Anyway, being a Christian graduate is about various things, like choices or whatever. You will have choices, such as “who can I blame for my life?” Up to this point, the answer has been very simple: your parents. But now that you are venturing out into the world, who will you pin your failures on? Again, your parents. This won’t always be the case, though! Soon, you will welcome new people into your life, such as college professors, mentors, bosses, coworkers, friends, and spouses, and these are all people who you can blame.

Another choice you will have is technology, which is a type of AI. Technology is all around us: it is omnivorous. Some people say that the future will be made of technology, which is in a book called Brave New World by Arthur Conan Doyle, but that book was written in the past, as most books are.

But enough about the future. Let’s talk about the journey that brought us here.

Think, if you will, of a certain kind of tree, which is a plant. And this kind of tree needs certain things to survive, such as food. But also, there is the beginning part, where the tree isn’t even a tree yet, because it is a bush or whatever. But then the tree people come and nurture it and then one day the tree graduates. This is what today is. You are all trees now.

There was once a man who was no longer alive, due to his death. Also, he was poor. But then he went to heaven, and there were a specific number of people that he got to meet, I think it was six or something. Anyway, each person he met told him things, such as “because of you, various things happened.” And the man thought about all the people that his life touched, and how all of those people were apparently dead, too, because they were in heaven with him. None of his friends were alive, everyone was dead. Did he kill them? It was a mystery. And he was still poor.

Graduates, I want you to take a moment to look at the person sitting on your right and left. In five years, one of those two people will be dead. And you will be married to the other one, so choose carefully. If you are sitting in an aisle seat, and there is no one on that side of you, then just imagine someone sitting there. Maybe someone mysterious, with long, blonde hair, sad eyes, and a dark secret. Her name is Miranda. You can also blame Miranda, if she is alive, but she might be dead, you will know if you meet her in heaven.

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