Unfortunately, your worship music sucks

Probably the most important part of Christianity is worship music, because this is the only thing that keeps pastors from preaching for the whole church service.

Worship music is very important to God. The Bible tells us that God inhibits the praises of his people. If we go further into the Greek, we find the story of Moses leading the Canaanites through the desert, and because nobody was singing praises, all the rocks started crying out. Then Moses got tired of all the rocks screaming and he started smacking them with his staff, but this made God angry and Moses had to stay in the desert for forty days and forty nights, also God made the staff turn into a snake and it bit Paul so he threw it in a campfire.

These days, Christians are always discussing worship music. Specifically, your worship music, because it sucks so bad. Some people might say that worship is all about the heart or whatever, but these people do not have brands. When you have an evangelical audience, your heart will take care of itself; you have to take care of your brand.

Probably the worst thing you do is sing too many hymns. This is true even if you only sing one hymn. If God wanted to hear a bunch of plodding sad songs, He would just buy an Adele album like the rest of us. Think about this: no one writes hymns anymore. When Christians look at each other and are like you know what? We don’t need any more music like this, that is a very bad sign. This is also what happened with Christian ska and swing music.

Another thing you are doing wrong is singing modern worship anthems. The problem with modern worship music is that it is good, and this creates a lot of issues:

• people understand what the words mean. If people were supposed to understand things on their own, they would not need thought leaders to explain things to them

• young people like it. The major issue here is that if young people enjoy the worship music, they will want to be more involved. Young people who are involved are much harder to control

• people occasionally feel human emotions. King David tried to worship with emotion once, that time he got naked in front of Noah’s Ark, and it made Michelangelo embarrassed, so I guess that’s why he made a nude statue of David that showed his privates, to teach him a lesson. Why do you want to get naked in church?

The other thing you are doing wrong is singing worship songs that have controversial lyrics. Every year, there is another song that everyone argues about, whether it be Onward Christian Soldiers or Reckless Love. I don’t remember if those songs are good or bad, but it has to do with words. This is why the Church of Christ denomination does all their worship amoretto, which comes from the Greek for “no words,” which is a compliment I often get from people who read these articles.

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