Which animals are holiest?

In these unprecedented times, many in the Church are quick to judge the holiness…of humans. But no one ever asks, “is that muskrat holy, or no?”

Now why is that, exactly? It makes you think.

Are Christians afraid of judging animals? Are we afraid of offending them? Worried that they might stop tithing?

I’m just asking questions here.

Folks, as an evangelical thought leader, I am not afraid of examining the sins of animals. (I have been informed by my team that most of my readers are human, so the risk here is minimal.)

Cats

Holy traits: none

Unholy traits: Prideful, aloof, useless against robbers

Can you make their name into a cuss word? Yes. One of the nicknames for "cat” can also be used to mean “vagina,” which is slang for a woman’s private part.

Do they practice modesty? Yes, it is very hard to see a cat’s private parts because there is so much fur down there, just like that guy in my dorm at Christian college.

Can they ask Jesus into their hearts? Doubtful

Would they be fun at a youth group lock in? No. They would act like they are above the proceedings, just like Eric did. I have no idea why the girls at First Assembly liked him; he wasn’t even that good at Bible Quiz.

Verdict: Cats are one of the least holy animals. Stay away.

Dinosaurs

Holy traits: useful against robbers, they either prove or disprove creationism, or something

Unholy traits: too much poop, they like to eat people

Can you make their name into a cuss word? I don’t believe so

Do they practice modesty? I think so? I do not recall ever seeing dinosaur private parts. And if you type “dinosaur private parts” into Bing, Elisabeth Elliot gets her wings taken away.

Can they ask Jesus into their hearts? No.

Would they be fun at a youth group lock in? I mean, they would be stomping around and snarling at people. The girls at First Assembly would probably be like “oh, he looks dangerous; I like him.”

Verdict: Dinosaurs have very little holiness

Snakes

Holy traits: None

Unholy traits: Sneaky, evil, shaped like a dong

Can you make their name into a cuss word? I mean, Jesus called people a brood of vipers, and that sounds like a bad thing.

Do they practice modesty? Snakes do not have private parts, everyone knows this

Can they ask Jesus into their hearts? They are really good at “s” sounds, so maybe when Jesus is knocking on the door asking if He could come in, they could say ssssssure?

Would they be fun at a youth group lock in? Snakes would be the worst at a lock in. Curled up under a chair, just watching everyone else have fun. I get it, bud. I put all this Old Spice on for nothing.

Verdict: Snakes are not holy. If you are a lady Christian, do not look at snakes; they will make you think of dongs.

Dogs

Holy traits: Loyal, they bark at robbers, most of them are very good boys

Unholy traits: They hump each other too much, also they lick their own private parts

Can you make their name into a cuss word? Yes. A girl dog is called a b-word, which stands for “bitch.”

Do they practice modesty? Dogs are very immodest. You can easily tell if a dog is a boy dog because within 5 seconds of meeting you, he’s like “ok, cool, I’ve sniffed your hand, now I’m just gonna plop down here and let my giant wiener lay on the floor, oh yeah, that linoleum feels nice and cool on my unit.” Girl dogs are not much better: when they have puppies, girl dogs walk around with like 24 nipples showing, which is a nightmare for all the adolescent boy dogs, like how do you even bounce your eyes from that?

Can they ask Jesus into their hearts? You’d think the answer is no, but you’d be wrong. You can train a dog to bark one or two syllable words, if you have treats. I think with a little work you could get a dog to yowl his way down the Roman Road.

Would they be fun at a youth group lock in? Heck yeah they would. A dog would be trotting around, tail wagging, making sure everybody was having a good time. If there was a lonely person at the lock in, like say a home schooler who really misjudged the amount of turn-based strategy games that everyone would want to play, the dog would be that guy’s friend. Christ-like behavior, right there.

Verdict: Dogs are among the holiest of all animals.

Transformers

Holy traits: they would fight off the robbers, unless the Transformer is a Decepticon; then he might BE the robber.

Unholy traits: sometimes in their movies you get real slow camera pans over Megan Fox, and if it’s the first Transformers movie, that makes you super uncomfortable, because she’s supposed to be in high school, and you’re 28 and sitting there in the theater with your wife and so you lean over and make a move like “hey babe, you up for a little Grade A Missionary later on?” but then she’s wondering if you’re just horny because of Megan Fox, so anyway I don’t think Michael Bay should be a youth pastor.

Can you make their name into a cuss word? You could call someone Megaturd, but I don’t think that counts as a cuss word.

Do they practice modesty? Transformers are basically modest. If a lady Transformer ever walked down the frozen foods aisle and got poky nips, BAM, she would just turn into a toaster oven or a pirate ship or something.

Can they ask Jesus into their hearts? Yes, although Calvinists would probably say that if you were born a Decepticon you can’t become an Autobot.

Would they be fun at a youth group lock in? Robotic strangers with a dark past full of conflict and sorrow? I’m sure the girls at First Assembly would be all too welcoming. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the corner with my Bible Quiz trophies and Three Stooges novelty tie like “what? No one wants to talk about the new Frank Peretti?”

Verdict: Who cares. I need to find a new youth group.

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