Which NFL team should sign John Piper?

Probably the most important issue in Christianity right now is where John Piper will play football. With the NFL season upon us, Piper is among the handful of marquee free agents getting a look from multiple teams. Let’s take a look at what he brings to the table, and which landing spots might be in play.

At 76, Piper is still in the mid to late-mid phase of his prime. His 40 yard dash is currently in the high 13 second range, so he lacks the high end speed to take the top off the defense, which he wouldn’t do until the wedding night anyway, but whatever. Nevertheless, at 5’4” and 140lb he is the quintessential WR3, shifty enough to work the slot, which he wouldn’t do before the wedding night either, but let’s not get too far into the reeds.

When you look at his off the field metrics, a few things jump off the page at you. Team executives rave about his dedication to studying the books; however, this portends concerns about his nonexistent weight room presence. Multiple GMs have told me off the record that if Piper plans on playing into his 80s he will need to prioritize weight training.

Miami

It almost makes too much sense. The Dolphins are in win-now mode, trying to surround Tua Tagovailoa with as many weapons as possible. Adding Piper could give the young quarterback a security blanket for third downs. Chemistry-wise, he checks off another box, because Piper is only 52 years older than Tua, so they would likely be on the same wavelength.

One potential red flag is the presence of South Florida’s expansive beaches: Piper has had issues in the past with retirees picking up seashells. Whether head coach Mike McDaniel views this as enough of an issue to pass on Piper remains to be seen.

Madden 2004 Atlanta Falcons

We all know that this is Michael Vick’s show. That’s why Piper could be a dynamic pickup: he’s not the guy coming in to upset the apple car.

The strength of this Falcons team is Vick getting out of the pocket on literally every single snap and either taking off downfield or chucking pinpoint bombs off a dead sprint. This is where you need receivers who can break off routes and adapt to a moving quarterback. In this kind of backyard, improvisational offense, you will have plenty of opportunities to get vertical, though Piper is not going to do that before the wedding night.

(To be sure, it remains unclear if Piper would ever cross over into E-sports and allow himself to be controlled by a girl.)

West Canaan Coyotes

For starters, Coach Bud Kilmer has a track record of developing undersized WRs. Charlie Tweeder is listed at 5’5”, and while Piper does not have Tweeder’s speed getting off the line, there is no reason to think he couldn’t be a productive Coyote.

A big question mark is whether West Canaan will be continuing to use the spread offense popularized by quarterback Jonathan Moxon. Like many 140lb 76 year old receivers, Piper is going to have trouble in run schemes when asked to block agile, muscular defenders who are young enough to be his grandchildren.

But let us assume for a moment that West Canaan leans heavily into their up-tempo spread scheme. Piper could very well have success in the Coyote’s bunch formations, especially if defenses drop safeties or play zone. Piper will see plenty of opportunities to work across the middle and probe the openings, and this is something that none of us should do before the wedding night, not just Piper.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)