Which sins will I be allowed to do in heaven?

Probably the one issue that Christian leaders are afraid to talk about is sinning in heaven. When we die, will we be able to sin as much as all the non-believers in heaven? Some people think that non-Christians won’t be able to sin in heaven, but have you ever been around a non-Christian? I am asking literally, because I don’t talk to them, they are not good for my evangelical brand, I assume that they are very sweaty and they make animal noises whenever they are about to do a sin.

Anyway, let’s look at some sins that you, a believer, may be able to do in heaven:

Lying

When you go to seminary, they teach you things like Ethics, which means that when you do a sin, you better have a good reason for it. Like when Oskar Schindler saved all those people by bribing the Nazis with liquor, which is normally a sin, because liquor is made from alcohol, except it wasn’t a sin, because Ethics. Basically, all this means that you can lie in heaven if you have Ethics.

Listening to secular music

One of the worst sins you can do on earth is listening to secular music. I know this is true because when I was pretending to attend a Christian high school so I could play on their basketball team, one of my teammates got in trouble for having a Marilyn Manson CD, and then he went to prison. I don’t think it was just because of the CD, but it probably didn’t help.

That being said, by the time we all die and get to heaven, they won’t be making secular music anymore, so all secular music will technically be Oldies. This means it is okay to listen to, like when my parents said that it was a sin if I listened to Edwin McCain, but they were allowed to listen to Fleetwood Mac.

Lust

Let’s get this out of the way: you are not allowed to do a bad sex in heaven. Call me a fundamentalist, but some things are absolutely wrong. That being said, a little light adultery could be okay. One time, I went to a Church of Christ and they said that when we get to New Jerusalem, not only will we be naked, but we won’t be able to recognize one another. So essentially you can just stare at people’s privates in heaven and it won’t technically be a sin, because who knows? It could be your spouse’s dong or bosoms. This is called a loophole, and if you look at the word loophole, it comes from various Greek words.

Embezzlement

You might think that Christians won’t be allowed to commit massive financial crimes in heaven. This is because you are not an evangelical thought leader. If you were, you would understand Jesus’ words when he told the parameter about the farmer who stored up all his treasures in heaven inside clay jars: the farmer didn’t have any money left on earth, and he also didn’t have any jars!

Being unattractive

Let’s play devil’s additive for a moment: what if that Church of Christ was wrong, and we CAN recognize each other in heaven. Will it be a sin to be ugly? Well, most likely, yes. But a simple towel, when wrapped comfortably around your face, can keep other people from having to see you. So, some good news: you can be ugly in heaven, as long as you don’t bother anyone.

Murder

I know what you’re thinking: isn’t murder one of the top 15 sins or whatever? Well, yes. On earth. But if you kill someone who is already in heaven, there’s nowhere else for them to go! They will simply respawn, like in a video game. Then they will say “Dude, did you kill me?” and you can say “No,” as long as you have Ethics.

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