Who should I send nudes to? A Christian perspective
Probably the most important part of being a Christian is remembering who you are allowed to send nudes to. A lot of thought leaders have had their brand attacked simply because they accidentally sent nudes to the wrong person. And if you are an evangelical thought leader, your brand is hollowed ground; you must protect it at all costs.
DON’T send nudes to yourself
Probably the worst sin of all is making yourself stumble, over yourself. My youth pastor said if you are tempted to get to one of the bases with yourself, you should sing some hymns or do a service project. This is what got Onan in trouble: he couldn’t sing any hymns because David hadn’t finished writing them yet, so he did a service project on himself and God killed him until he was dead.
DO send nudes to your spouse
It is always good to have nude pictures from your spouse. That way, when they walk in from the shower and casually rip off their towel like you have been married for 500 years, you can pull out your phone and check to see if the private parts match up. You could accidentally be in the wrong house, or you could be accidentally having an affair.
DO send nudes to backslidden Christians
This way, they will be like you know what those naked parts remind me of? Adam and Eve, which is in the book of Genesis, which is in the Bible, and I haven’t read the Bible in a long time. Honey, tell the kids to get ready; we’re going back to church.
DON’T send nudes to non-Christians
My youth pastor said this is called Missionary Dating, when you try to use your butt to bring someone to the Lord. But Kelsey was all like “we’re just friends” but even her girl friends were like EYEROLL because Kelsey totally blew off the 30 Hour Famine to go see that guy’s friend’s band play and of course it’s not a Christian band, do you think a Christian band would have a name like Spine Killer? Anyway Kelsey is barely even on the Bible quiz team anymore, Caleb and Sarah Ann were saying that you can really see her heart isn’t in quizzing right now. And then she brought that guy to See You at the Pole, like he didn’t even know what it was about, he just stood there while everyone else prayed. Pastor Trey’s wife Miss Heather is going to talk to her before the Girls of Grace breakout session and just flat out ask her if she is still on fire for revival. Honestly, I don’t know what she’s going to say.
DON’T send nudes to your guardian angel
Let’s be real: your guardian angel has already seen your goodies. That’s not the point. If you send your angel a nude, he’s going to show it to all the other guardian angels, and now you’ve made all the angels horny. Read Genesis 6 to see how that will turn out. Besides, your angel has to watch you ALL the time. He’s already seen all the gross stuff you do with your body. Give him a rest.
DO print out your nudes and place them in the offering
Why is this? Let’s go to the Greek: in one of the verses in one of the books there is something about FIRST FRUITS, you can read all about it, and I guess it’s about offerings or whatever. Is it an accident, then, that a banana looks like a boy private, or that a pair of lady blessings looks like melons or apples or cherries or whatever fruit, I’m not totally sure, I was homeschooled. But anyway the theology is clear: put your best fruits in the offering. And fruits mean privates.
DON’T send nudes to the Newsboys
The one exception to this is when you are doing a Dove Awards role play with your wife, and of course this is after you have checked the nudes on your phone to make sure it is really your wife.