Who Should Replace Biden? A Christian Perspective

Folks, it looks like politics have entered the discourse again.

Should President Biden be replaced on the Democratic ticket after his performance in the debate? Many people are saying various things about this. In the interest of full enclosure, I did not watch the debate, because I wanted to keep an open mind for telling people what to think about it. But my team has informed me that many problematic things happened.

As Christians, we must engage the discussion over Biden’s fitness for office. Probably like 80-90% of the Democratic party are conservative evangelicals, and the other 40% are liberal Christians, so we need to have a say in what’s going on, or Christians might start voting for Trump.

With that in mind, we need to find a replacement for Biden, so that he can get some much-needed rest, and run again in 2028. Preferably, the replacement should be a white man, because we can’t leave the work of social justice to a woman of color. After much prayerful consideration that I directed my team to perform, here are the top candidates who I am suggesting:

Tim from Switchfoot

Probably the most important part of being a good person is being handsome and having beautiful hair.

Tim is a bass player, which means that his job is to pluck the string that makes the BMMMM sound and then right before the song goes to chorus, lean into the mic and kind of pretend to sing harmony on that last line of the verse. This will help him in the presidential debate, because he can wait until the last moment and then just sort of mumble something into the mic about daring to believe in the power of hope, and then stare off wistfully (see above picture) and everyone will be reminded of how handsome he is.

The Pope

pictured: Francis Benedict, Pope

Out of all the evangelical groups in America, probably the most important are the Catholics, which are the largest denomination of Baptist. The president of Catholics, the Pope, lives in Atlantic City, which is on the same side of the country (the right) as whatever state the White House is in. So he wouldn’t have far to move, which helps.

Of course, if the Pope becomes president, Catholics will have to choose a new Pope, which means the Cardinal College gets all the bishops together and throws one of them in a fire, and if the smoke comes out black, then it means whoever they threw in wasn’t a witch. I forget what the white smoke means, maybe it means the wi-fi is down or something, I don’t know, I’m Protestant.

Donald Trump

Think about it: how many times have you seen Republican Christians criticized for supporting Trump? Let’s fix this problem. You cannot vote for Republican Trump if he is on the Democratic ticket. That is called serving two masters, which counts as being unequally yoked, which is where missionary dating will lead you. My youth pastor was very clear about this.

Nick Saban

I don’t know if Nick Saban believes in God, but he won a bunch of football games at Alabama, so he is a Christian.

Here are the benefits:

• no sex scandals: never had time, too busy recruiting

• already knows his way around the White House, from all the times he took championship teams there

• has dealt with Urban Meyer and Lane Kiffin, so dealing with Russia, China, and North Korea will be easy

Like, all of us, the people

Aren’t you ready to fix this broken system of government that we have?

Ok, what about this: what if, like, the people were in charge? No more special interests, no more corporate influence, just regular, working-class people doing what’s best for the common American. Every voice equal; every voice heard.

Of course, we can’t have every American trying to rule at once. In order to make sure that every voice is heard, fairly, we’ll pick a group of people, a small group, who will make sure that everything is fair. We will give this small group of people the power to make the rules, so that they can fix everything. And this small group of people will have to promise to tell the truth, and to play by their own rules, and to only do what’s best for the country. And they will, because they said the promise. Has anyone tried this before?

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