Why Are So Many Decrepit Evangelical Leaders Dying?

Folks, something is a miss.

One by one, our doddering, elderly evangelical leaders are being cut down in the prime of their twilight. But by who? Or worse, whom? These are the questions that evangelical media won’t ask.

Let’s look at the facts: in the span of when these things happened, we have lost Jimmy Swaggart, John MacArthur, and James Dobson. In years past, none of these men have died. But now they have all passed away? It makes you think.

A few months ago, I uncovered the conspiracy to target the Catholic Popes. And now our Protestant Popes are dying? My friends, the forces of darkness have once again set themselves against the very foundation of the Church, and my brand is the only thing that can save us. With humbleness, I shall answer the carrion call and save Christianity once more.

What do these men have in common?

They were very old

Each of these men were elderly, perhaps in their 50s. Why are only the old people dying? Is someone afraid to target the young, vibrant leaders of Christianity, such as myself? Why could this be?

But wait—the rabbit’s hole is even deeper: would it shock you to know that the men who died were also in poor health? Someone is targeting old people who are too sick to fight back!

They were very sexy

It is well documented that James Dobson’s outsized rizz caused panties to drop whenever he ventured out in public. Similarly, John MacArthur had to invent Boy Church, because so many babes were trying to score with him. Even today, Christian marriages are suffering, because the wife will be like “can we do the MacArthur role play again tonight?” and the husband will softly pat his privates and be like “but babe, I’m still sore. Plus, we’re out of raisins.” And then the wife will do sins, because her husband is not meeting her needs.

Their names all start with J

Are you paying attention yet? Whoever is doing this is taunting the Church, leaving clues, and daring us to catch them.

But first, we must ask: who could the next target be?

Folks, I am thinking of a well-known evangelical figure in Texas, whose name also starts with J. He has a large church. His book is extremely popular, but many Christians don’t like it. He is white.

I am speaking, of course, about Jesus.

The good news is that Jesus is still very young, so he is not in any danger. I know this because I watch his documentary series The Chosen. Also, he has superpowers, so he does not need to be protected. The superpowers are also in The Chosen, you see him heal a guy with a wintered hand.

But if not Jesus, who else could be in danger?

My friends, we must think like our enemies: if they run out of famous Christians with J names, does that mean that the letter K is next? If so, the next targets could be Kay Arthur, Tim Keller, Kutless, Kristine Kaine, or Relient K.

Who, then, is behind this?

I know what you are thinking: the Jewish Popes. That when the Protestant Popes die, all the Protestants will blame the Catholic Popes and fight, so then the Jewish Popes can finally control Christianity. Not so fast, my friends. Let’s get serious.

The Atheist Popes are who control the Jewish Popes, and that is who is targeting the Protestants, in the hopes that the Catholics will be blamed and chaos will result. If there’s one thing that the atheists love, it’s going to church. They want to take control of our churches, which is why all of our sexy old evangelicals with J names keep dying.

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